370 ON BORES. 



the verb to bore in all its moods and tenses ; he will " vex the dull 

 ear of a drowsy man" with something even more tedious than a thrice- 

 told tale, he will " cleave with horrid din " the drum or tympanum of 

 your ears, and yet fie upon our laws we may not slit his weasand, 

 or knock him o' the pate ; and " why is this wherefore what should 

 we do ? " We all know that in many parts of the globe various animals, 

 the dog, the monkey, and even a species of vulture, are held sacred ; but 

 then that is not unaccounted for. In some instances religious feelings 

 are enlisted in their defence, and in that of the last they are patronised 

 by the oriental utilitarians ; for they gratuitously act as scavengers ; 

 but of what earthly use is it even pretended is the bore ? Why should 

 he be suffered to " live, and move, and have his being ? " Is he not a 

 decided nuisance ? At all events, why not send him to end his days 

 amid a dungeon's gloom ? but no ! our laws, more merciful than just, 

 will not even justify us in committing a nuisance. We have all of us 

 heard, and some of us been engaged in, a wild boar hunt. Wherefore 

 are we not permitted to exercise ourselves in chasing a tame bore ? I 

 pause for a reply. It has been my I hope peculiar ill-fortune to 

 suffer more boring perhaps than any one in three hundred; but 

 I know not wherefore. Whether it is that I am of a silent and grave 

 temperament whether they (the bores) see or fancy they see in me 

 any outward and visible sign, any incipient symptoms,, proximate or 

 remote, giving the world assurance of a boree, (that is, one capable of 

 being bored), I know not ; but this I do know that I have won golden 

 opinion from all sorts of bores. I have been bored until my eye- 

 lids would no longer wag, till I have thought that, compared to what 

 I have endured, Sindbad's old man of the mountain must have been a 

 remarkably pleasant travelling companion. I have been maddened 

 until even MY powers of endurance have refused their office. They 

 have aroused the lion in his lair; let them take the consequences of his 

 fang, I do disclaim in them, and my revenge shall be proportioned to 

 their dire offence. They best can paint it who have felt it most. I 

 will no longer bear the silent system. I intend to give the world a 

 full history of the species, genus, and classification ; a description of 

 the various sorts of bores in the habits as they live, and with the 

 habits they have contracted ; anecdotes of bores political (of which 

 there are several very fine specimens to be seen nightly in the neigh- 

 bourhood of Westminster, "where they most do congregate "); the- 

 atrical, medical, military, scientific, domestic, literary, and legal, with 

 various well-authenticated anecdotes of some of the most remarkable 

 of the order. I will arouse the world to a full sense of all that it has 

 endured, till, arising as one man, they who would be free themselves 

 will strike the blow, and free themselves for ever from the hateful 

 oligarchy of the bores. For my poor part, I ask no public thanks, [no 

 silver salvers, and no rent. For the agitation which I am about to 

 commence, I am content with the grateful thanks of a " liberal and 

 enlightened " people, the blessings of the poor, and the gratitude of 

 posterity, that will gild my humble name, and with that I shall be 

 happy, be content, like Thomas Thumb. I shall have " done my duty, 

 and I've done no more." Vale. 



MAR. W . 



