1819] Jessie's Indecision 125 



from all the tenderness and happiness of a return to a 

 very dear country, and a delightful family, which I must 

 always think and say mine is, when no one hears me but 

 one that will sympathise with me. These joys tho', only 

 made my situation and my choice more difficult. At first 

 I intended saying nothing to John [Allen] or to anyone till 

 my mind was made up. I knew they would tell me to 

 consult my own feelings only. But I found secrecy from 

 John was intolerable, as it would be from you and Jane 

 [Wedgwood] if I held any intercourse with you. I there- 

 fore, trembling, bathed in dew, cheeks burning and mouth 

 parched, opened my case to him. Anything was better 

 than reserve with one so tender, so considerate of my 

 future comfort, that his mind seemed solely occupied with 

 plans for us, so that every word he uttered, every look was 

 a reproach to me. I was much happier after having 

 spoken to him. I never will have mystery with those I 

 love. John was not more vexed than I might have 

 expected. He said indeed it was the greatest blow he 

 could have received; his cherished hope had been that we 

 should have passed the close of our day together; that my 

 marriage would be to him the same as if I took the veil 

 in a distant country, but that after all I must consult only 

 my own heart. He would rather not see me at all than 

 see me unhappy. That he thought the wisest way was 

 for me to consider, not whether I could be happy with 

 Sismondi, but whether I should be unhappy without him, 

 " for he believed no one ever had so much to give up as I 

 had." And indeed that is true. When I think on all I 

 have to give up, I question how it is possible. I appear to 

 myself unaccountable that I should have arrived in a 

 situation to place it in doubt; but when I take the pen to 

 put an end to it, I am panic-struck, and so much tender- 

 ness in spite of myself is expressed, that my letter, when I 

 say no, only tells how painful it is to me and how many 

 regrets must follow. I must however finally decide in a 

 day or two. I cannot wait even your answer. I have 

 been horribly diffuse, intending to be very concise. I 



