1819-1823] "Hanging Loose on Life" 145 



all time and tune. I hate having the chain of my thoughts 

 and feelings broken when once I have begun a letter. When 

 I return to it it gives me a disgust for what I have already 

 written we shall see how that will be to-morrow. I was 

 full of nothing but you and myself when I began, but now 

 the accounts of the menage (as we Genevoises call it), a 

 mantuamaker and a little talking Irishwoman, have put 

 20 other things in my head. Farewell to you and me for 

 to-day. 



20th. This goes, though it is a pity to shew what a goose 

 I am, but I do not mind it to you, who have love enough 

 and to spare for me to shew myself under what colours I 

 choose. My boast of " hanging loose on life " needs some 

 explanation, lest you may think it arises from a sad feeling, 

 or a want of happiness, which is by no means the case. I 

 am afraid of its being an audacious feeling, till I am what 

 you are, and therefore do not give it all the encouragement 

 I might, but I am so contented with it that I sometimes 

 think I would not change it for a circumstance that would, 

 I have always thought, give greater happiness than any- 

 thing in this world, that is, supposing I had as much good 

 luck, if luck it might be called, as you have had, lest it 

 should bind me too much to life. You are not to imagine 

 that I have any discontent with my present existence, 

 because I do not feel more bound to it. I am not sure I 

 did not feel the same when I was with John [Allen] at 

 Cresselly , but I am very timid of the future ; the latter days 

 of those who have not youth and life around them must 

 necessarily be mournful at the best, and might be very 

 painful. As soon as I am worthy I should be glad to escape 

 from it, yet my daily life is almost as happy and as gay as 

 it was in my best days, I believe, and will be so as long as I 

 keep in sight all I love alas, it is but mental sight. But if 

 I had settled in England I could not have lived with all, 

 nor could I have even seen them more often ; and I have one 

 that, if a longing seizes me, will let me go to-morrow; and 

 that every day I live with him makes me the more feel how 

 much he suits me, how much he loves me and who will stay 



