124 A Century of Family Letters [CHAP, x 



he should find that out, nevertheless; but he did in our 

 many tete-d-tetes at Chamouny, and above all I betrayed 

 myself when we came to part. This occasioned his renew- 

 ing his offer, with an affection and a warmth of feeling 

 that might have made me happy if half-a-hundred other 

 affections had not drawn me another way, and shame and 

 irresolution and timidity had not frightened me, and made 

 me uncertain of myself, and doubtful whether I should 

 have courage to answer the hopes I had raised. He ex- 

 pressed himself with a vehemence that frightened me while 

 these doubts tormented me, and I wrote coldly, and to 

 remind him. of the terms on which we parted, which were, 

 that we were each to try if we could live happy separately. 

 We were each to use our best efforts to do so, and only take 

 the remedy of marriage if we found we failed, using the 

 utmost openness and frankness one with the other. After 

 we parted I found he loved me too well to be placed on such 

 terms, and that indecision was the worst state in the world 

 to have thrown a nature so impetuous, so naturally decisive 

 as his. My letter, which I only intended to prepare him for 

 what I could not answer would not be, hurt him inexpres- 

 sibly ; this grieved me, and I wrote to him again soothingly 

 and tenderly, but in the meantime I received three letters 

 that appeared to me harsh, and that gave me an idea that the 

 fortnight I had allowed my cold letters to operate on him 

 had cooled his affection, that the mischief to him was done 

 and could not be undone, and therefore the best thing I 

 could do now was to hurt no others, and to finish with 

 Sismondi. Under this impression I wrote to him yesterday, 

 but just as I had finished my letter came one from him in 

 answer to my kind one, by which I perceive I was de- 

 ceived, that he loves me as tenderly as ever; and this 

 effort has shewn me also more of my own heart than I 

 knew. I love him more than I would allow even to 

 myself, and I began to think I cannot be happy separate 

 for ever from him. I did not send that letter, and thus I 

 now stand, and thus painfully have I passed the last month, 

 mixed nevertheless with moments of exquisite pleasure 



