Foes of Clothes and Carpets. 125 



race has gone through, and at one stage it is appar- 

 ently a toss-up whether the human embryo will be a fish 

 or a man. Some persons, though they acquire lungs as 

 they progress, neglect to close up the gill-openings under 

 their jaw-bones. But the clincher is that women, who 

 resemble boys in conservatism, are far more addicted 

 than men to suicide by drowning. Thus it is that the in- 

 fluence of ancestors that swam the dim Devonian seas 

 persists unto this day. 



Now, just to show you what I mean by carrying the 

 analogy too far, let me ask you if you have ever tried to 

 teach a conservative woman how to swim? If so, you 

 will bear me out that the influence of our scaly ancestors 

 that swam the dim Devonian seas has petered out a 

 good long while ago. I once endeavored to demonstrate 

 to my wife that the water would bear her up if she would 

 only let it, and the upshot of all was that she went up on 

 the beach and cried because I had undoubtedly tried to 

 drown her, an act of which she had hitherto believed me 

 incapable. I give you my word, ladies and gentlemen, 

 the water was not two feet deep and drowning her was 

 the furthest from my thoughts. I do hope somebody 

 will believe me; my wife won't. 



Boys are conservatives, too; but whereas a fish prefers 

 cold water, where is the boy that will go in all over in the 

 winter? It is as much as you can do to get him to wash 

 his fingers up to the knuckles and a little island about 

 his mouth. 



If you want a really fine instance of ' too far ' in 

 analogy, why, it is as easy to show that man was origi- 

 nally two animals sewed together. If occasional gill- 

 clefts prove a fishy origin, does not the far more fre- 

 quent hare-lip point to the two halves sewed together 

 with some of the stitches ripped out? 



