POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 



tumbled under the table, and the professor car- 

 ried him off to bed. 



x. 



The professor, like most serious thinkers, 

 knew but little of that trifle commonly called 

 " the world." He had never kissed any one ex- 

 cept his wife ; even that he did as seldom as pos- 

 sible ; and the curate lying dead drunk was the 

 first glimpse he had of what, par excellence, is 

 called " life." But though the scene just de- 

 scribed was thus a terrible shock to him, in one 

 way it gave him an unlooked-for comfort. He 

 felt that even yet things were not quite as sub- 

 lime as they should be. He now saw the reason. 

 " Of course," he said, " existence cannot be per- 

 fect so long as one-third of Humanity makes a 

 beast of itself. A little more progress is still 

 necessary." 



He hastened to explain this next morning to 

 Virginia, and begged her not to be alarmed at 

 the curate's scandalous conduct. " Immorality," 

 he said, " is but a want of success in attaining 

 our own happiness. It is evidently most im- 

 moral for the curate to be kissing you ; and 

 therefore kissing you would not really conduce to 

 his happiness. I will convince him of this sol- 

 emn truth in a very few moments. Then the es- 

 sential dignity of human nature will become at 

 once apparent, and we shall all of us at last 

 begin to be unspeakably happy." 



The curate, however, altogether declined to 

 be convinced. He maintained stoutly that to 

 kiss Virginia would be the greatest pleasure that 

 Humanity could offer him. " And if it is im- 

 moral as well as pleasant," he added, " I should 

 like it all the better." 



At this the professor gave a terrible groan ; 

 he dropped almost fainting into a chair ; he hid 

 his face in his hands, and murmured, half articu- 

 lately, " Then I can't tell what to do ! " In an- 

 other instant, however, he recovered himself; he 

 fixed a dreadful look on the curate, and said : 

 " That last statement of yours cannot be true, 

 for, if it were, it would upset all my theories. It 

 is a fact that can be proved and verified, that if 

 you kissed Virginia it would make you miser- 

 able." 



" Pardon me," said the curate, rapidly mov- 

 ing toward her, " your notion is a remnant of 

 superstition ; I will explode it by a practical ex- 

 periment." 



The professor caught hold of the curate's 

 coat-tails, and forcibly pulled him back into his 

 seat. 



" If you dare attempt it," he said, "I will 

 kick you soundly, and, shocking, immoral man ! 

 you will feel miserable enough then." 



The curate was a terrible coward, and very 

 weak as well. 



" You are a great, hulking fellow," he said, 

 eying the professor ; " and I am of a singularly 

 delicate build. I must, therefore, conform to 

 the laws of matter, and give in." He said this 

 in a very sulky voice ; and, going out of the 

 room, slammed the door after him. 



A radiant expression suffused the face of the 

 professor. 



"See," he said to Virginia, "the curate's con- 

 version is already half accomplished. In a few 

 hours more he will be rational, he will be moral, 

 he will be solemnly and significantly happy." 



The professor talked like this to Virginia the 

 whole morning; but, in spite of all his arguments, 

 she declined to be comforted. 



" It is all very well," she said, " while you 

 are in the way. But, as soon as your back is 

 turned, I know he will be at me again." 



" Will you never," said Paul, by this time a 

 little irritated, " will you never listen to exact 

 thought ? The curate is now reflecting ; and a 

 little reflection must inevitably convince him that 

 he does not really care to kiss you, and that it 

 would give him very little real pleasure to do 

 so." 



"Stuff!" exclaimed Virginia, with a sudden 

 vigor, at which the professor was thunderstruck. 

 " I can tell you," she went on, " that better men 

 than he have borne kicks for my sake ; and to 

 kiss me is the only thing that that little man 

 cares about. — What shall I do ! " she exclaimed, 

 bursting into tears. "Here is one of you insult- 

 ing me by trying to kiss me ; and the other in- 

 sulting me by saying that I am not worth being 

 kissed ! " 



" Ah, me ! " groaned the poor professor, in 

 an agony, " here is one-third of Humanity plunged 

 in sorrow ; and another third has not yet freed 

 itself from vice. When, when will sublimity 

 begin ? " 



zi. 



At dinner, however, things wore a more prom- 

 ising aspect. The curate had been so terrified 

 by the professor's threats that he hardly dared 

 to so much as look at Virginia ; and, to make up 

 for it, he drank an unusual quantity of cham- 

 pagne, which soon set him laughing and chatting 

 at a rate that was quite extraordinary. Virginia, 

 seeing herself thus neglected by the curate, be- 

 gan to fear that, as Paul said, he really did not 



