POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 



11 



professor; "he is nearly always drunk. I am 

 beginning quite to like you, Paul, by comparison 

 with him. Let us turn him out, and not let him 

 live in the cottage." 



" No," said the professor ; " for he is one-third 

 of Humanity. You do not properly appreciate 

 the solidarity of mankind. His existence, how- 

 ever, I admit is a great difficulty." 



One day at dinner, however, Paul came in 

 radiant. 



" Oh holy, oh happy event ! " he exclaimed ; 

 " all will go right at last." 



Virginia inquired anxiously what had hap- 

 pened, and Paul informed her that the curate, 

 who had got more drunk than usual that after- 

 noon, had fallen over a cliff, and been dashed to 

 pieces. 



"What event," he asked, "could be more 

 charming — more unspeakably holy ? It bears 

 about it every mark of sanctity. It is for the 

 greatest happiness of the greatest number. 

 Come," he continued, "let us begin our love- 

 feast. Let us each seek the happiness of the 

 other. Let us instantly be sublime and happy." 



XIII. 



" Let us prepare ourselves," said Paul, sol- 

 emnly, as they sat down to dinner, "for realizing 

 to the full the essential dignity of Humanity — 

 that grand etre, which has come, in the course of 

 progress, to consist of you and me. Every con- 

 dition of happiness that modern thinkers have 

 dreamed of is now fulfilled. We have but to 

 seek each the happiness of the other, and we 

 shall both be in a solemn, a significant, and un- 

 speakable state of rapture. See, here is an ex- 

 quisite leg of mutton. I," said Paul, who liked 

 the fat best, " will give up all the fat to you." 



"And I," said Virginia, resignedly, "will give 

 up all the lean to you." 



A few mouthfuls made Virginia feel sick. 

 "I confess," said she, "I can't get on with this 

 fat." 



" I confess," the professor answered, " I don't 

 exactly like this lean." 



" Then let us," said Virginia, " be like Jack 

 Sprat and his wife." 



" No," said the professor, meditatively, " that 

 is quite inadmissible. For in that case we should 

 be egoistic hedonists. However, for to-day it 

 shall be as you say. I will think of something 

 better to-morrow." 



Next day he and Virginia had a chicken 

 apiece ; only Virginia's was put before Paul, and 

 Paul's before Virginia ; and they each walked 



round the table to supply each other with the 

 slightest necessaries. 



" Ah ! " cried Paul, " this is altruism indeed. 

 I think already I can feel the sublimity begin- 

 ning." 



Virginia liked this rather better. But soon 

 she committed the sin of taking for herself the 

 liver of Paul's chicken. As soon as she had 

 eaten the whole of it her conscience began to 

 smite her. She confessed her sin to Paul, and 

 inquired, with some anxiety, if he thought she 

 would go to hell for it. " Metaphorically," said 

 Paul, " you have already done so. You are pun- 

 ished by the loss of the pleasure you would have 

 had in giving that liver to me, and also by your 

 knowledge of my knowledge of your folly in 

 foregoing the pleasure." 



Virginia was much relieved by this answer ; 

 she at once took several more of the professor's 

 choicest bits, and was happy in the thought that 

 her sins were expiated in the very act of their 

 commission, by the latent pain she felt persuaded 

 they were attended by. Feeling that this was 

 sufficient, she took care not to add Paul's disap- 

 proval to her punishment, so she never told him 

 again. 



For a short time this practice of altruism 

 seemed to Virginia to have many advantages. 

 But, though the professor was always exclaiming, 

 " How significant is human life by the very na- 

 ture of its constitution ! " she very soon found it 

 a trifle dull. Luckily, however, she hit upon a 

 new method of exercising morality, and, as the 

 professor fully admitted, of giving it a yet more 

 solemn significance. 



The professor having by some accident lost 

 his razors, his mustaches began to grow pro- 

 fusely, and Virginia had watched them with a deep 

 but half-conscious admiration. At last, in a 

 happy moment, she exclaimed, " Paul ! do let 

 me wax the ends for you." Paul at first gig- 

 gled, blushed, and protested, but, as Virginia 

 assured him it would make her happy, he con- 

 sented. " Then," she said, " you will know that 

 I am happy, and that in return will make you 

 happy also. Ah ! " she exclaimed, when the op- 

 eration was over, " do go and examine yourself in 

 the glass. I declare you look exactly like Jack 

 Barley — Barley Sugar, as we used to call him — 

 of the Blues." 



Virginia smiled ; suddenly she blushed ; the 

 professor blushed also. To cover the blushes, 

 she begged to be allowed to do his hair. " It 

 will make me so much happier, Paul," she said. 

 The professor again assented, that he might 



