52 The Ruins of the Church Establishment. 



this, however, it will be easy to reply, that in the remote ages of English 

 history , the people were so aristocracy-ridden and priesthood , that whenever 

 they wished to bestow the highest encomium in their power upon any thing, 

 whether in art or nature, that pleased them extremely, their mode was to 

 apply to it some appellation or epithet borrowed from the style of the no- 

 bility or clergy : thus they would call a steam-boat a noble discovery, 

 thereby elevating it to the rank of a baron ; or most noble, which raised it to 

 the dignity of a marquis : if they wished to commend a fair sky, they said 

 it was serene, thus doing heaven the honour of comparing it with a royal 

 duke : if it was a tight frigate they wished to express their admiration 

 of, they borrowed the epithets brave and gallant, from some great gene- 

 ral ; and in like manner it was, that having the greatest possible respect 

 for those usefnl contrivances which answer that momentous question, 

 " which way is the wind?" a question which from time immemorial has 

 been the staple of conversation in Great Britain, they not only deemed 

 no situation too lofty for them, but went so far as to pay them divine 

 honours, styling them Right Reverend ; and, as appears from ancient 

 liturgies, offering up special prayers for them, probably that no tempest 

 might be permitted to blow them down, a petition which heaven has been 

 pleased to grant, for there they are at this moment, (though not on the 

 tops of cathedrals) indicating the wind, and veering about with it, pre- 

 cisely as they are described to have done two centuries ago, when in the 

 rude tongue of our forefathers they were denominated bishops. 



The bishops, a third antiquary will exclaim, were neither wild beasts 

 nor weather-cocks, but huge marine animals, or fishes. Can any thing 

 be more stupid (he will ask) than not to perceive this at a glance, when 

 we find them always treated of as inhabitants of the sea, (or, as it was 

 anciently written, see) ; and moreover, as never comfortable except in a 

 great see, and never perfectly at their ease while it was possible to get 

 into a greater. These facts, to which all ancient remains bear testimony, 

 clearly demonstrate, first, that the bishop was a fish : and secondly, that 

 it was an enormous fish : and there is still clearer evidence in the express 

 words of many literary fragments which descended to these times, for 

 they actually give them the names of shark and porpoise, from which it 

 would seem that they were supposed to partake of the nature of both, 

 the ichthyologists having been possibly undecided in what family to place 

 them. Certain immense fossil remains found in recent geological 

 researches amongst the Welsh mountains or in Cumberland, will pro- 

 bably be referred to by way of further confirmation of this theory, and 

 will be alleged to be the skeletons of bishops. If they are not the advo- 

 cates of the fish, hypothesis will challenge their adversaries to inform the 

 world what they are ? As to the objection, that bishops could not have 

 been marine productions, inasmuch as they are spoken of as having 

 existed at Oxford and Ely, and other inland places, nothing can be 

 more futile ; for what hinders the supposition that those places were then 

 upon the sea-coast, although now, by a continued series of alluvial forma- 

 tions and encroachments of Terra or Neptune, at considerable distance 

 from it. In fact, the admission that the bishop was found in the situa- 

 tions alluded to, furnishes an independent proof that these great geolo- 

 gical mutations have actually taken place. 



It happens fortunately for those who, in the year 2302, will be for 

 lishifiying the bench of bishops, that they will be able to avail themselves 

 of all the authorities produced by the supporters of the other two theories. 



