62 The Greek Barber. 



but to be quenched with tears of torture. Oh, the lather ! the lather ! 

 In an instant I was smothered eyes, nose, ears, and mouth with the 

 very sublimated essence of soap-suds ! The souls of the great-grand- 

 fathers of all barbers, throughout all generations, must have concentrated 

 their devilish wickedness in this individual. He insinuated the accursed 

 compound into my eyes, he blew it up my nostrils, he crammed it into 

 my mouth, and thrust it into my ears. Soap-suds and hot water ! soap- 

 suds and hot water ! ! soap-suds and hot water ! ! ! three times over. I 

 can no more j 'tis like Alonso's dagger, 



*' It rouses horrid images, away with it !" 



At last he took from a dome-topped towel-horse, that stood in the centre 

 of the room over a basin of burning charcoal, a hot napkin, which he 

 folded, turban-like, upon my head, while, with another, he dried my 

 sodden countenance as well as he could. I was completely subdued 

 my spirit was broken he might have tweaked me by the nose, and I 

 should scarce have known it ; but yet I wondered why these latter kind- 

 nesses were vouchsafed me. Alas ! it was only to prolong my existence 

 till I had endured, to their full extent, the enormities the monster yet 

 meditated against me. He took my hand in one of his, and placing the 

 other upon my shoulder, suddenly extended my arm, making every joint 



crack. The other arm . But 1 hasten over this part of my narrative j 



the remembrance is too painful to dwell upon. He took possession of my 

 head, and causing it to perform a roulade, after the fashion of our harle- 

 quins, he gave it such a dexterous twist on one side, producing a report 

 that sounded to my hearing (almost the only faculty I had left) like the 

 crack of doom ! I thought the whole vertebral column was dislocated. 

 He then placed me upright, my back against the wall, retreated some 

 three our four paces, and, raising his hands, rushed with outspread palms 

 against my chest, with such force as to cause the involuntary ejaculation 

 of ha ! as loud as an Irish paviour. The measure of his iniquity now 

 being full, he called for a tchibouque and a cup of coffee, and presenting 

 them to me in the most obsequious manner, this most insidious perpe- 

 trator of all these atrocities had the impudence to wish me a good health 

 and many ages. Mechanically I smoked my pipe and sipped my coffee, 

 meanwhile all the soul I had left was occupied in devising vengeance. 

 Vituperation ? No ! Should I, as the metaphysical Hamlet hath it, 



" Like a-hem unpack my heart with words"? 

 No, no. I had just hit upon an idea, 



" Vengeance from her dark covert stalked abroad, 

 With all her snakes erect upon her crest," 



and just as she had " fired me with her charms," in walked one who was 



" Native there, and to the manner born." 



I saw him seat himself and bare his head ; I saw the fatal bucket 

 suspended over him by a Neophyte barber, with bare arms. Now, 

 thought I, 



" When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war." 



This individual underwent exactly the same series of operations as I 



had done, seeming even to court the playful cruelties of the wanton 



barber, by affording him every opportunity for their performance. I then 



became convinced of the necessity of doing as they do at Rome, and suf- 



