125 



of 



No. II. 

 AFTER-DINNER VARIETY :_A PLURAL[ST'S. 



" To him Pluralists whom he designated as sacrilegious robbers of the revenues 

 of the church were so odious, that his chaplains were invariably dismissed on 

 obtaining promotion. A clergyman in his diocese once asked him, if, on the 

 authority of St. Bernard, he might not hold two livings. 4 How Avill you serve 

 them both ?' inquired Burnet. ' I intend to officiate by deputy in one,' was the 

 reply. ' Will your deputy,' said the bishop, ' be damned for you too ? Believe 

 me, you may serve your cure by proxv, but you must be damned in person.' " 



LIFE or BISHOP BURNET. 



DOCTOR ZEBEDEE BOTT had just dined with a few friends. By 

 gracious dispensation he was a pluralist ; the fat on his ribs stood three 

 inches thick ; and savouring as he did of the pure odour of orthodoxy, 

 he usually dreamt when he had not the night-mare, of lawn-sleeves, 

 a mitre, and milk-punch. 



Doctor Zebedee Bott had just dined, and was picking his teeth. A 

 wretched ballad-singer, with a chorus of starving children, howled a 

 jovial song beneath the window, while the pluralisms guests reeking 

 with the labours of their sumptuous gorge toasted tithes, luxuriated 

 on the fascinations of the departed dishes, and, smacking their unctuous 

 lips, leered at the pine-apple. The turbot had been of the true pale 

 pinky azure tint faintly blushing, as it was introduced, like a delicate 

 girl ; the turtle green and glorious ; the punch " cold as Dian's bath ;" 

 the grouse right orthodox ; the venison canonical ; and the hock, divine ! 

 Like the bees of Hymettus, Dr. Bott and his friends, were full of 

 Apollo, and hymned exultingly their praise. 



The piteous tones of the mendicant, rendered doubly dismal by the 

 song she had chosen being in praise of " rosy love, and ruby wine," 

 were again herrd. 



"Fill your glasses, gentlemen," said Dr. Bott: "people complain 

 about there being such a vast deal of bad port in the country : but I 

 feel confident, from my own experience, that one may get a most 

 capital article, if one only gives the price. Talk of scarcity, indeed ! 

 Look at the butcher's shops ! And then as to fish why, the turbot which 

 you have honoured with so many praises cost me but a trifle above 

 two guineas. Every thing, in fact, may be had with the slightest 

 trouble imaginable things are brought to the nicest degree of per- 

 fection and yet some people are not satisfied the grumblers don't 

 decrease." 



" To make them listen to reason is impossible," said a short, pert, 

 rubicond, oleaginous gentleman, peeping through his glass at the bee's 

 wing. " Why now, I, myself, although I find employment for above 

 fourteen hundred of the rising generation in my factories, am far from 

 popular. What do they want? the swinish herd! Doctor, 1 think 

 I'll try those grapes." 



The song below had now changed ; and the children, to give their 

 forlorn mother a brief respite from her labours, were squealing, with 



