THE SPECULATIONS OF A HUNGRY MAN. 



I question whether any captain of a vessel would trust me to the amount 

 of the passage-money, though a British-born subject; and till that 

 national credit is restored, I know not that I have the means of putting 

 any one of my plans in execution ; for the shameful negligence of agri- 

 culturists in the payment of their rents, together with the over-specula- 

 tion of the commercial people generally, or some cause at present riot 

 stated, deprives me of affluence, not to say competency. My purse has 

 become the receptacle of two steel keys and a pen-knife ; and if I dine 

 to-day, it embarrasses me to ascertain what remuneration I can have to 

 offer for the outlay incurred by the tavern-keeper in providing me with 

 bread and cheese. 



Now, as for home -appointments, it must be confessed that my friends 

 are not very influential with the present ministry, partly from ancestral 

 prejudice, partly from a want of sympathy on other grounds. At any 

 rate, I cannot expect any adequate advancement from them. Nor, indeed, 

 would there be the slightest gratification in a mere gratuitous elevation. 

 No man like myself can understand the pleasurable feelings of those 

 favourite proteges who are lifted up without muscular effort into fat 

 deaneries and snug secretaryships. The exertion of obtaining makes 

 the object worth obtaining ; aad for this reason I am resolved to carve 

 out my own fortunes by my own means, aitd having neither money nor 

 friends, present employment or future prospects, my wit must supply 

 their place ; and thus follows its first exercise, in the shape of a humble 

 appeal to the first, if not only, Maecenas of the age 



Robert Warren, Esq., of No. 30, Strand. 

 To Mr. Warren, then, do I appeal as followeth : 



" SIR, I am a young man, particularly worthy your attention, either 

 as operative shoe-black, manufacturer, distributor, or panegyrist of your 

 easy shining and brilliant jet or japan blacking. Either or all of these 

 offices I will undertake at a peculiarly low rate of compensation. Much 

 as I admire the transcendant talents of your present household poets, 

 I cannot but think I have a stock of double rhymes hitherto unknown 

 to the English language. Greatly as I appreciate the elegance with 

 which your portable placards are suspended from the neck of your peri- 

 patetic retainers, I may venture to hint that my shoulders would sup- 

 port a basket-load of your heaviest bottles for sixteen hours per diem, 

 and this would lead to a notoriety which no vulgar advertisement could 

 hope for. There is no man in London who has so perfect a knowledge 

 of compounds as myself. In its simple state I am acquainted with no- 

 thing ; as a medley of adulteration I am well versed in the secrets of all 

 abominable filthiness, whether of sight, smell, taste, or touch. I was 

 for some time employed as a person in the Cape- wine trade, and under- 

 stand something of the principles of preparing genuine London porter ; 

 and this, I trust, will give me a claim to your notice as a subordinate 

 manufacturer. 



" Oh ! Robert Warren, this is an opportunity not to be neglected. 

 Write to me by return of post (taking care to pay it, or I shall not be 

 able to take it in) ; or, as I have no particular direction, look for me, 

 any time between sunrise and midnight, beneath the statue at Charing 

 Cross for that is my favourite resort. To make recognition easy, I 

 shall leave off my shoes on that occasion, and, as a private token, I shall 

 possibly be without a coat !" 



