598 METHODIST POKTS. 



Brandish'd the smoker's arms, strode o'er the field, 



And vow'd Tobacco ne'er to Tea should yield. 



' Behold ! the crockery's ranged upon the tray ; 



See ! tattling gossips burn th' expiring day ; 



See ! since the card and wheel were laid aside, 



Each pale-faced insect's wing'd with foreign pride : 



Now whisper'd secrets pass from ear to ear, 



Till the gay circle hears what all will hear ; 



While fell detraction smooths her reckless tongue, 



On tiptoe, Envy steals into the throng, 



Whispers ' Don't mention, ma'am !' ' Indeed, not I!" 



So each declares and ladies never lie. 



' Miss Placid's handsome, did you say, Miss Clare ?' 



' Indeed she's handsome but I wonder where I 



A more unmeaning face I never knew : 



That gipsy ! fair ! sans rouge, her charming hue, 



Without a pass, would bear her safely through 



All swarthy Egypt ; thence she might go on 



Through amorous Turkey, free from all crim.-con. 



And-, ladies ! not to mention all I hear, 



'Twixt you and me but so and so I fear, 



That she's a hem with J n ; but I forbear. 



To dance she strove in vain ; poor awkward lass ! 



And as to drawing, music teach an ass ! 



With voice as fine, her solo to the harp : 



Confound her flats and naturals ! she not sharp !' 





What makes amends, her cash, you know, my dear!' 

 Tush, ma'am ! what's that, but forty pounds a-year ?' 



' No, twenty, dear ! Did not her father fail ? 



Pshaw ! cash ! all fudge ! her uncle died in jail.' 



' Hist, ladies, hist !' Rap, rap, the door ! ' Oh, dear! 



Walk in, Miss Placid glad to see you here ! 



Papa and Ma' a, I hope, are very well ? 



Your uncle, worthy soul ! and sister Bell. 



The sight of you my aching tooth hath eas'd ; 



Lauk, dear ! how all the company are pleas'd 1* 



Thus happy, tea-wives sport each fair one's name, 



Till each in turn is damn'd to honest fame. 



So, Madam Teapot ! stop your spout divine ; 



First see your own faults, ere you censure mine." 



Here, as the warrior made a final pause, 



An old brass inkstand oped its ebon jaws ; 



The classic fountain of a supervisor, 



Or drunken, perjur'd, journeyman excisor, 



Whose secret service stood the landlord's friend, 



And gauged his hogshead at the private end : 



" My friends, Spinoza, Hobbes, Voltaire, and Hume, 



Each in my fount dipt his triumphant plume, 



Explor'd all heights, all depths, all nature's laws, 



And prov'd existence prior to its cause ; 



From nature, each deduced his moral plan, 



And widely shew'd the dignity of man." 



" The dignity of man ! who understands ?" 



Replied, incens'd, a pair of parson's bands ; 



" May thy black bowels shrivel up ! When dead, 



Bel!, book, and candle's curse fall on thy head. 



The dignity of man ! behold ! the child 



Runs from his youth exuberantly wild ; 



