601 

 , 

 CARROTS AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES. 



" A fellow by the hand of Nature mark'd." KING JOHN. 



WHATEVER the moralists may say, I cannot help coinciding in the 

 belief of those who acknowledge the doctrine of fatality. There is, I 

 am convinced, a certain portion of the human race who are foredoomed 

 from their cradles to undergo misfortune, and none more surely than 

 those on whom some indelible stamp has been affixed, by the caprice of 

 nature, before their birth. 



That learned and suffering person, Mr. Walter Shandy, when he 

 heard of the unlucky misnomer by which his infant son had been bap- 

 tized, exclaimed in the bitterness of his heart, " The Thracians wept 

 whenever a child was born !'* and conceived that he had great cause for 

 lamentation and sorrow. Perhaps he had; but not in an equal degree 

 with the parents of him who now records his distresses. I know not if 

 their grief was proportionate to the magnitude of the misfortune, or 

 whether they were skilful or sagacious enough to predict what would 

 befal him compassionate reader, jud^e for yourself. I was born with a 

 RED HEAD ! The very hour of my birth, like that of c < the great magi- 

 cian, damn'd Glendower," was portentous : 



"The front of heaven was full of fiery shapes." 



How often, Lycurgus, have I sighed, as I remembered thy salutary 

 edict, which condemned to death every infant whose personal appear, 

 ance might cast a blemish on the unrivalled sons of Sparta ! Would that 

 the British lawgivers had taken thee for their model ! But such was the 

 infatuation of my parents, and particularly of my mother, that they 

 seemed even to take a pride in witnessing the maturity of my shame ; 

 the consequence was, that I became a curly-headed, carrotty-pole, 

 admired by every one for the luxuriant fury of my locks and the viva- 

 city of my disposition, or for being, in other words, a little fiery-headed 

 tyrant. As if to keep in perpetual remembrance the natural stigma 

 under which I was destined to labour, I had been christened RUFUS ; 

 this, with the euphonous surname of GREEN, formed a climax in the 

 annals of unfortunate nomenclatures. 



By degrees, the amiable qualities of my disposition began to develope 

 themselves, and the consequences of over indulgence became manifest. 

 For some years I held uncontrolled sway in my father's house, where 

 my will was law ; but at length a brother was born, and from that 

 moment, being voted a perfect nuisance, it was formally arranged that 

 I should leave the paternal mansion, and be transferred to the care of 

 the Rev. Mr. Flayskin, at whose academy knowledge was inculcated 

 according to the doctrines of the Monarch of Israel. 



At nine years of age, therefore, I made my first appearance at school, 

 where my presence was hailed with a general expansion of countenance, 

 which might safely be denominated " one universal grin," as the reve- 

 rend pedagogue led forward and uncovered the froward boy committed 

 to his charge. He introduced me to my companions, and left me to my 

 fate. In a few minutes I was surrounded by a host of idle urchins, all 



