1827.] " You're Fined!" a Tale of the Nineteenth Century. 27 



a lawyer V said I to my demurring friend. Well, this failed to tickle his 

 fancy ; for he replied, * Idefy any man to detect rue, if I take the trouble 

 to be on my guard.' * Then/ I returned, ' let us, by way of frolic, impose 

 a fine of live shillings on each mutually, who is discovered using expres- 

 sions which savour of his particular calling ;' and, as they were all against 

 me, this was soon closed with. The parson declared he should have no 

 objection to walk ; but this was exclaimed against, as gothic in the ex- 

 treme : but, nevertheless, we strolled on. Six coal heavers on a Hammer- 

 smith stage, redolent of swipes and tobacco, and jolting on cheek-by-jowl, 

 were the first objects worth seeing; and the doctor jocosely hinted, that 

 they were going up to form the New Administration ! Just at this moment 

 the off-wheel of a chariot was locked in the near-wheel of a waggon, and 

 the former was overset, to the great consternation of an elderly lady and 

 her daughter, who were calling upon all their gods to protect them. Lucidly, 

 they were more frightened than hurt. * I saw the effect of a sad accident, 

 indeed, last week,' said our doctor. ( A poor woman, who had been thrown 

 from a cart, had the joint of her left shoulder luxated, so that it was with 

 the greatest difficulty we could return it: her head was contused, and the 



occipital ' Here he became conscious of the wonderfully roguish 



turn of visage which I had put on for he was more particularly addressing 

 me. ' It's all over, my dear boy !' said 1 ; 'you may hand over your five 

 shillings.' ' I am of the same opinion !' said the lawyer. ' And I say,' 

 returned the doctor, ' that you ought to be fined for that expression, which 

 is quite legal.' However, not to be too strict, we agreed to let the lawyer 

 off; for we might have used much the same kind of speech ourselves. 

 Every one loves to pass the last house in Hammersmith, in hopes of seeing 

 a little country beyond. We had absolutely passed up to this spot, when 

 a debate took place whether a coach should not be instantly mounted. 

 ' Just walk on to Kew-bridge, and then we can take a boat,' said the 

 parson. This was meeting half-way, which all the world yields to in a 

 second ; and away we went. The next object was a drunken, violent 

 fellow, shouting out, 'Canning for ever !' and, with a hiccough, 'No 

 Popery !' ' My good friend,' said the clergyman, ' let me advise you to 

 walk quietly home to your wife.' ' Do you,' said the stupid sot, gazing 

 upon his Mentor with ineffable vacancy, ' you go home to your's !' Now 

 there were reasons which made this remark rather more poignant than 

 could have been expected from a peasant ; and, in vulgar phrase, the parson 

 was done. However, he soon opened upon us. ( Drunkenness is a vice,' 

 said he, ( as our good archdeacon said, in his last visitation sermon, which 

 no sooner enslaves the body than it corrupts the mind, and deprives us of 

 that delicacy which a sober man is ever apt to preserve.' ' Very excellent, 

 indeed !' quoth the doctor ; ' but you're fined, you know !' Now the 

 poor parson's recollections had been very painfully revived towards a certain 

 exceedingly unpleasant domestic subject, and so he fell easily into the 

 snare : but I never saw a man pay a bet with better humour. ' Hallo !' 

 said I, 'there goes a tailor!' ' Where where?' was the exclamation. 

 And so there was ; a little sort of man, who was gliding on with a, motion 

 of the feet so peculiar, as to shew that he was almost too happy in being 

 once more able to put one foot before the other. His hands were, more- 

 over, in his breeches-pockets. ' And how can you tell a shoemaker?' 

 inquired the simple-hearted curate. ' You may commonly discover a 

 knight of Crispin,' returned I, ' by his talk ; he wiH discourse you loudly 

 of politics, and after a certain course, too, which you never hear from any 



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