262 Some Account of a Lover. [SEPT. 



sighs," or the " pons asinorum" of existence, is, I apprehend, that part 

 of the journey lying across the ocean of love ; into which ocean, mark me, 

 too many do lamentably become immersed. Now love, though a grievous 

 dolour, admits motives of alleviation ; but to plunge in " usque ad Escu- 

 fapium"~io be, as it were, love-sick is, not to speak it mincingly, 

 excessively affecting a romantic bore. It is the affliction of a kind of 

 sentimental nightmare, during which an ugly beast (Cupid) sits, heavily on 

 the breast, and an ass (the doctor) grins through the bed-curtains. And 

 so was it with Diaper. 



I was surprised by a visit from my infatuated friend soon afterwards 

 the purport of which was to lay open his whole heart to me, and to engage 

 my assistance in the furtherance of his views towards a lady, whose name, 

 after oaths of secresy extorted from me, he divulged. 



Rut, that .this might be the more comfortably explained, we adjourned 

 to an adjoining tavern, and called for a bottle of wine during which it 

 appeared that his inflammable bosom could in nowise withstand the 

 triple fascination of mind, person, and purse possessed by the fair one's 

 iu whose scale of affection he flattered himself (he did indeed !) that ho 

 had been tried and found " wanting," He assured me that he was bent 

 upon winning her, " for love or money ; : ' and began to recapitulate the 

 steps he had taken, in consequence of such determination. 



This agreeable intelligence could not have been received by me other- 

 wise than with rapture. Another bottle was called for : we thrust the 

 decanters towards each other with amazing velocity, from which we con- 

 tinued to quaff huge libations, exchanging mutually congratulation and pro- 

 fessions. He proceeded to inform me, that the family having been to their 

 country-house at Clapham, he had flown down every afternoon upon the 

 summit of the stage, bearing along with him a shrill octave and " Six Lessons 

 for the Flute ;" and, *' seated on a ruined pinnacle," his musical score hang- 

 ing on a tree, he had " made sweet melody/' which, regularly performed, 

 the book was closed, the joints of the instrument unscrewed, and the lover 

 returned to town. Also, when she went to church, his devotion was sure 

 to be making itself audible in the adjoining pew ; if she visited the theatre, 

 he was enscrewed in the next box ; and if she was taken to the exhibition, 

 the " portrait of a gentleman" fortified the walls of the academy. 



In return, therefore, for incense thus devotedly offered up, he had given 

 himself to expect a speedy fruition of joy, in the candid avowal, by the lady 

 herself, of a mutual passion; though he confessed to me, that he had 

 hitherto contented himself with indications of love uttered in the language 

 of the eyes an absurd miscalculation of chances ! I can't say I admire 

 optical orthography or visual expression : it is like a lecture on phrenology 

 a great deal said, and no understanding a syllable. 



The degree of faith, then, I chose to attach to this tale was, for a time, 

 just as much as is understood by the reception of what is termed " a flam " 

 the due acceptance whereof I have seen expressed, in vulgar society, by 

 placing the thumb on the extremity of the nose, and agitating the fingers 

 in a peculiarly significant manner. 



While I sat ruminating upon this subject (for I had fallen into a deep 

 reverie), I took no heed of the manner in which my friend was engaged 

 which was, in fact, by snatching enormous pinches of snuff, and applying 

 them incontinently to his nostrils, and by swallowing the nut-shells and 

 orange-peel. Struck, however, at last by the somewhat frequent manner 

 in which the waiter was flinging his hands up after his eyes, I turned, and 



