592 A Case of Distress. [DEC. 



quence, constrained to cut me I was eventually thrown upon my own 

 resources, and, for some time past, have subsisted entirely upon my half- 

 pay, which, I regret to state, is at present mortgaged for the next two 

 years to my butcher a highly-respectable man, with a large family, who 

 has at length been compelled to intimate to me, that it will be impossible 

 for him to supply me any longer upon credit without considerable detri- 

 ment to his affairs. 



Thus circumstanced, I fearlessly throw myfclf upon the liberality of my 

 countrymen, in the full assurance of obtaining that immediate assistance 

 which my unhappy situation requires. But, should this hope prove falla- 

 cious; should I unfortunately be doomed to experience the chills of neg- 

 lect, and the blighting mildew of indifference, I must, alas ! resort to the 

 only expedient in my power, and close with Mr. Cross, of Exeter Change, 

 who has offered me a considerable annuity and elephant's allowance, if I 

 will consent to exhibit my unparalleled powers for the amusement of the 

 Public.* Oh, Heavens! that ever I should live to be classed with the 

 Bonassus and the Living Skeleton ! " Here ! walk up, ladies and gentle- 

 men the most extraordinary sight the man with the wolf in his belly ! 

 devours a baron of beef every half-hour ! Admittance, two shillings while 

 the beast is feeding !"f But why thus needlessly alarm myself? Secure 

 of the general sympathy, I rest satisfied in the conviction that I shall 



never be reduced to appear in so horrible so disgusting a 



Ha! more mutton-chops! Quick quick quick! He eats he 

 gnaws to my very 



Your pardon, generous patrons- your pardon ! This rascal my other 



self he . As Dominie Sampson says, " Woeful man that I am ! 



who shall deliver me ?" 



JOHN HUXGERFORD CUKTIS, 

 Late of His Majesty's Regiment of Foot. 



95, Swallow Street, 



where the smallest donations will be thankfully 

 received whether in specie or provisions. 



N. B. Public dinners attended at the shortest notice. 



* P.S. Speaking of Mr. Cross and Exeter Change, puts me in mind of the " Beef- 

 eaters" that stand at the door of that establishment ; and, thence, by a natural transition 

 of mind, to the subject of " Beef-eaters" in general. As it is perfectly clear, notwith- 

 standing the absurd attempted derivations from " Bufetier" " Boire-faiteur' (side- 

 board-keeper, and cup-bearer) &c. that " Beef-eaters" (I speak of the genuine 

 " Palace" ones) were originally appointed foi; the express duty of eating teef; thereby 

 representing in a manner, and illustrating occasionally for the instruction of foreigners, 

 the peculiar powers of the English in that department of exertion -taking this to be 

 indisputable, I would venture to suggest the propriety of my own appointment to the first 

 of these situations that may become vacant. As I shall undertake subject to penalty in 

 case of failure to perform the work of any six existing " Beef-eaters" be their talentfe 

 what they may a considerable saving would accrue (in salary, cloathing, and so forth) to 

 the public service from my nomination : and as it is the concentration of value in the indi- 

 vidual, in any national display which is always aimed at as of muscle in the Champion 

 of England, or fat in the Prize Ox the reputation of the country, I apprehend, would be 

 better sustained by my employment as well as my own necessities (without further 

 trouble to the community) provided for. 



t That this process may be witnessed, and the curiosity of the visitors fully grati- 

 fied, Mr. Cross proposes tbat an aperture, of convenient shape and dimensions, neatly 

 framed and glazed, be made in my abdomen ; an operation which the medical gen- 

 tleman wha so cleverly cut up poor Chuney has kindly volunteered to perform. He 

 assures me, that I shall feel uopain but that inserted by the glazier. 



