158 Calamities of Carving. [FEB. 



crouching beneath it ready to spring upon me. But the day for my 

 meeting the bishop arrived. As it was (to use my friend's expression), 

 one upon which my temporal interest might greatly depend, I resolved, 

 as far as possible, to atone for my ignorance in carving, by looking 

 through various books upon cookery, which contained carving instruc- 

 tions. 



One I was possessed of, which treated largely of this infernal art, 

 and presented pictures of birds and beasts, with lines drawn, indicating 

 the course the knife was to take. I studied hard, and went through 

 the whole list. I then paced my room, and, in imagination, cut up, in 

 the most approved manner, all animals, common arid uncommon ; and 

 though thus, in some measure, theoretically prepared, still I made my 

 appearance with a fluttering heart at my friend's house. As I entered 

 it, a combination of fumes, escaping from the kitchen, readied my 

 olfactories ; and as I followed the servant to the drawing-room, I re- 

 solved to avoid conversation before dinner, and recal my morning's 

 study, fixing my particular attention upon the dishes, which I might 

 now, from the hint given to my nose, expect to appear. But, strange to 

 say, none but the most unusual viands would now occur to me ; and I 

 was busily engaged in banishing visions of quails, herons, swans, and 

 others of the feathered race, least subject to human mastication, when 

 dinner was announced. 



The only seat unoccupied upon my entrance, was one next the lady 

 of the house ; and before I could well extricate myself from my mus- 

 ings, my friend begged I would lead her to the dinner-room. I offered 

 her my arm therefore, though I would gladly have exchanged this 

 distinction for a howling wilderness ; since it seemed to bespeak the 

 probability of my sitting next her, and if so, I knew too well, though 

 she did not, what was likely to follow. As I augured, so it proved 

 she assigned his lordship a station on her right hand, and placed me on 

 her left the post of honour, it might be ; but I remember the pillory 

 occurred to me, as a sort of paradise compared to it. The cover being 

 removed, a turbot was exhibited to view ; the lady turned to me, re- 

 questing my assistance. My last hope, flimsy as it was, hung upon his 

 lordship's soliciting this distinction; but he sat erect and mute; and 

 when she politely handed me the fish-slice and the knife, I felt about as 

 much obliged to her as though she had presented to me a poisoned gob- 

 let and a dagger. But there was no retreating ; I was tied to the stake. 



Now be it known I was no gourmand, and independently of my gross 

 want of skill, I knew not for my soul, why one part of any creature 

 designed for our use was not as good as another. Moreover, the tail 

 of the turbot was towards to me, and I judged from this circumstance 

 that it was designed I should commence there. I began therefore at 

 the tail, and insinuating the fish-slice at its very extremity, turned over 

 a thin fin-less morsel to his lordship, whose plate was first at my elbow. 



The bishop looked any thing but the living of S at me, as it was 



placed before him. The lady soon perceived my error, and before I 

 had dispatched another plate, pointed to the upper part of the fish. I 

 dashed in the slice, under the superintendence of her fair finger, and 

 detached a portion for the other guests ; for every one, as fate would 

 have it, would eat fish, and no one would taste soup a sound which my 

 ear eagerly longed to catch, as a remission of at least a part of my sen- 

 tence. Unceasing demands made me desperate, and I laid about me 



