1832. J Calamities of Carving. 159 



with knife and slice, but with so little address, that before half the 

 company were supplied, the turbot lay an unsightly heap of ruins, and 

 the most experienced eye might have been puzzled to determine what 

 in reality it had originally been. This achieved, I waited in grim 

 despair a second attack upon the next dish, and in the brief interval, I 

 had full leisure to observe that I had disconcerted the lady, and dis- 



E leased the bishop ; which did not, however, so entirely absorb my 

 iculties as to conceal the certainty that I was undergoing the ban of 

 several of the other guests. But before I could cast up the sum total 

 of my demerits, a servant appeared, bearing an enormous dish and 

 cover, which he placed in the situation the hapless turbot had so re- 

 cently occupied. The cover being taken off, a turkey was exposed. I had 

 as soon it had been a rhinoceros. However, limited as was my informa- 

 tion, I chanced to know that the breast was the favourite part, and 

 desiring to atone to the bishop, on whom I kept a penitent eye for my 

 late infraction of the law of gulosity, and considering I could not do 

 too much to repair my error, I sent him a junk in the form of a wedge, 

 that might have puzzled the capacity of an alderman. Here I was 

 again set right by my fair and offended auxiliary, who, in evident per- 

 turbation, audibly whispered " thin, Sir, if you please, thin.'* I took 

 her at her word, dispatched slices to the others which rivalled Vauxhall. 

 " The cry was still they come ;" turkey, nothing but turkey would go 

 down all the fish-eaters had suddenly become bird-fanciers. A legion 

 of plates were at my elbow, and it was now necessary to disengage 

 some of the limbs. My fate had reached its crisis in endeavouring to 

 cut off one of the legs, I suddenly drove the ill-fated bird to the edge 

 of the dish, and sent the gravy it contained, like a jet d'eau over the 

 spruce dress and rubicund face of his lordship. No trap-door opened 

 under my feet, for which I heartily prayed, and prayed in vain. The 

 bishop, after vainly endeavouring for a moment to rid himself of the 

 effect of the accident, was translated to an adjoining apartment, to which 

 the servants accompanied him, and when he resumed his seat, who can 

 paint the anger that sat on his brow ? on the brow of him, who, from 

 his sacred calling and exalted station, is said to be " above the atmos- 

 phere of the passions ?" 



At length the cloth was removed I had not swallowed a morsel, 

 and the bumpers I drank to subdue my uneasiness, assailing an empty 

 stomach and disquieted spirit, soon attacked my brain ; I went 

 through almost every grade of intoxication. I talked incessantly ; 

 became vehement and vociferous ; and finally was fast verging towards 

 something worse, when a glimpse of my unhappy state, before reason 

 was quite dislodged, helped me to discern the expediency of a retreat. 

 I made an abrupt exit, but I have no distinct idea how I succeeded in 

 getting home. All I remember is, that I tripped in the mat on leaving 

 the dinner-room, and turning my head into a battering-ram, made a 

 forcible entry into an opposite parlour, where, as my evil stars would 

 have it, my fair hostess had retired to write a note. I was past making 

 any apology. The servants, alarmed at the noise, ran to my assistance, 

 and though stunned by the encounter between ray skull and my friend's 

 mahogany, I recollect, when they took me up, hearing one of them 

 answer the inquiry of the lady, " It's the gentleman, ma'am, what 

 splashed my lord bishop." These were the last words I heard that 



