The Shortest Road to Distinction. [MARCH, 



coronets or so, in the same predicament. At all events, we have plenty 

 of physicians with nothing but their diplomas to quality them for prac- 

 tising, and as many great authors, whose only claim to rank as novel- 

 writers, consists in their producing three volumes at a time. All that is 

 wanted, then, is to shorten the road to renown, and to shew how dis- 

 tinction may be attained with the least possible quantity of trouble. 



For instance, whenever a new ministry is formed desirous of con- 

 ciliating the people, and acquiring unbounded popularity, care should 

 be immediately taken to disseminate the idea, that they have accepted 

 office solely with a view of carrying all the great " popular questions," 

 and that they are determined to retain their appointments as long as a 

 chance of accomplishing this patriotic object exists. Their aim will 

 thus be, not to accomplish the object that must never be done, if it can 

 be helped but to keep alive the " chance" of being enabled to do so. 

 In short, having announced their resolution to effect the most magni- 

 ficent reforms, and the most indispensable changes, they need not give 

 themselves any farther trouble, but take their own time and let the 

 nation talk on. 



Again : it is most unreasonable that any set of constituents should 

 expect their representatives to make actual motions for the removal of 

 any abuse, or the introduction of any desirable measure. A young 

 member, who has conceived the idea of becoming a patriot, should 

 simply, in his maiden speech, set forth his intention to move, " on a 

 future occasion," for a repeal of the corn-laws, to bring in bills for the 

 abolition of slavery abroad and sinecures at home, and to introduce an 

 effectual measure for preventing lords from putting their aristocratic 

 hands into the dirty pockets of labourers. Of course he will take good 

 care never to commit himself so far as to act upon any of his patriotic, 

 or rather parliamentary pledges j all he has to do is, to state his inten- 

 tions emphatically, and to leave them to work out his reputation. He 

 cannot fail of obtaining immediate popularity ; and, simply by promising 

 much and doing nothing at all, will, in fact, be just as good a patriot as 

 any privy-councillor in Christendom. 



In morals, again : It must not be supposed that, because an oppor- 

 tunity offers of making an oration in honour of temperance, and of 

 establishing a Society for the Suppression of Wine, that it is in the 

 slightest degree necessary to act upon the doctrines propounded. The 

 speaker may say, indeed, with glorious old Jack " I am a rogue if I've 

 drank to-day" which will be simply saying nothing, for he may pos- 

 sibly be a rogue whether or not but to deprive himself of those liquid 

 luxuries (or, if he happen to be a clergyman, those natural necessaries), 

 which he would deny to others, would, indeed, be a ridiculous excess. 

 He should shew his hearers the " the steep and thorny way" to morality, 

 and tread himself the " primrose-path of dalliance ;" meaning, of course, 

 the path that lies through the London-tavern. He need never descend 

 in practice into the dreary depths of abstinence but follow Sheridan's 

 prescription, and say that he does. 



The same instructions apply to literature. A writer, now-a-days, is 

 required to possess some little knowledge of the subject he writes upon 

 -if he desires to be original, and to differ from the practice of the great 

 bulk of his contemporaries. Now to get this knowledge, would involve 

 a great deal of fatigue and inquiry ; all which may be avoided in this 

 way by not writing the books at all, but by simply inventing titles, and 



