1832.] o.,vv [ 401 ] .>.'* x 



^v*rViMBt 



DREARYWIT AND HIS FRIENDS. 



CHAPTER FIRST. 



LET me not discuss the origin of evil : that pernicious pippin was, 

 doubtless,, the cause of all the misery that has hitherto, been contrived by 

 man for the benefit, or rather the bane, of his species. No wonder, 

 therefore, that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity by means of an 

 apple. 



It is, however, not a little deplorable that what are termed the " good 

 things" of this world have not a more equal and equitable partition ; and 

 that you shall not seldom see a poor devil with hardly a leg to stand 

 upon, while a huge alderman can afford to keep half-a-dozen footmen in 

 good calf. It is no part of my present purpose to account for these dis- 

 crepancies, it is nevertheless my duty, as a virtuous member of society, 

 to lament them. 



What I most complain of is, that men having " appliances and means 

 to boot," whereby the respectable appointments of a gentleman may be 

 maintained, should, as it were, voluntarily relinquish them into the most 

 tenacious digits of rogues and swindlers ; and, by a perversity of reason- 

 ing, or a depravity of taste, seem virtually to affirm that a leg of mutton 

 is far worse eating than the mastication of the air, and that a sirloin of 

 beef is not half so pleasant as the enumeration of trees in St. James's 

 Park. 



" A bird in the hand," quoth the old proverb, " is worth two in the 

 bush." What opinion, then, should we form of the intellects of a man 

 who, when he might hold a veritable goose in his grasp, should prefer 

 to be beating about the bushes for a pair of dubiously existing owls ; or 

 who should leave his Stilton to the tender mercies of the mice, under 

 the belief that he was shortly to receive a new importation of green 

 cheese from the moon ? We should, doubtless, forthwith consign his 

 head to the barber, and look to find him, in due time, among the incu- 

 rables in the Lambeth Asylum. But, 



" Certain the pleasure is as great 

 In being cheated as to cheat," 



or how else can we account for the singular complacency with which 

 some people hold open their pockets (and this, too, under the perfect 

 conviction that they are immense gainers by the operation) while others 

 dive into and dismantle them ? Some there are, indeed, who, having 

 gone forth to shear and become shorn, would fain betake themselves to 

 their own homes, like the prodigal son, to eat roast veal, and would, for- 

 sooth, say no more about the matter, like a wise man under rebuke, or a 

 fool in the megrims ; while others, not content with making " ducks and 

 drakes" of their money, must needs make geese and donkies of them- 

 selves, and go cackling and braying about the face of the earth with a 

 most portentous inanity of aspect, or repose themselves under the shade 

 of disgrace, poverty, or ruin, with an air of agreeable lassitude and gen- 

 teel relaxation. These enthusiasts, 



" So perfect is their misery, 

 Not once perceive their foul disfigurement, 

 But boast themselves more comely than before ;" 



M.M. New Series. Vot. XIII. No. 76. 2 E 



