396 Pigs Addressed to those " About to leave Business !" [APRIL, 



aprons and elbow-sleeves. Thus it was with Mr. Pettitoes : all his 

 dreams, his waking feelings, ran on pigs ; it was in vain that he tried to 

 divert his mind by reading. He sent for " Hogg's Tales," but was 

 disgusted and disappointed. Shakspeare was only saved from his con- 

 tempt by two lines " Where hast been, sister ?" " Killing swine !" 

 Oh, acutely wretched is that golden wretch, who, dragged by Plutus 

 from the joyous town, creeps over fields and adown hedges, twisting 

 buds and flowers into numerals and . s. d. The glorious sun is to him 

 but a bright new shilling, and when he gazes at the moon, he reads 

 there, " Georgius IV., Dei Gratia Rex !" 



Our friend Pettitoes wrestled with circumstances, but it was in vain ; 

 he succumbed to the ruling passion, and, like a true philosopher, it 

 was observed that he displayed a greater serenity of mind, when it was 

 evident that he knew the worst. His family wondered at his compo- 

 sure ; they were still more astonished when they discovered its cause ; 

 for, it is a curious fact a fact well worthy of the attention of those 

 " about to retire from business" that from the moment Pettitoes had 

 resolved once more to keep pigs, from that moment he became more 

 civilized and companionable. Great, however, was the terror of the 

 wife and daughters when they discovered that, to receive the purchased 

 pigs in due state, it had been deemed necessary by Mr. Pettitoes to 

 demolish a magnificent green-house. The fucias, the geraniums, the 

 ranunculuses, gave way to boars and farrow sows, with long-tailed pigs, 

 short-tailed pigs, pigs with crispy tails, and pigs minus such decora- 

 tion. Mrs. Pettitoes was astounded the young ladies vehemently re- 

 monstrated. Pettitoes, however, flew from domestic strife, and solaced 

 himself at the pig's-sty There, at all times, might he be seen, his eye 

 gliding up and down some plethoric porker, as though, in his mind's 

 vision, he was cutting up the breathing animals into hands, legs, loins, 

 and chops. Had Pettitoes been transformed by Circe, he would have 

 surely wept when set again upon his two legs. In order, as he thought, 

 to mollify the ire of his wife and daughters, our tradesman christened 

 his grunting family after the heroes and heroines of modern poems, 

 novels, and songs. There might be seen, located in various styes, 

 " Pelham," and " Eugene Aram," the " Lost Heir, and " The Man of 

 Refinement." " Satan" was a great boar, and " Alice Gray" had a 

 farrow of thirteen. This desecration of all that the female Pettitoes 

 held beautiful, only served to whet their disgust at pork, and to send 

 Mr. Pettitoes from his carpetted room, hung round with genuine Mor- 

 lands, to obtain tranquillity and enjoyment at the piggery. For some 

 time was our tradesman satisfied with looking at the objects of his 

 affection : it was enough for him to see the backs of his darlings widen, 

 and the legs to become massive with the best of fat. At length, how- 

 ever, he felt his native thirst for blood, and it was observed that, after 

 a time, he never visited the piggery without fumbling about at his 

 knife. It was in vain he gave himself up to fate he would take his 

 old shop. He did take it, paying the tenant an immense premium to 

 go out. When Pettitoes' wife and daughters learnt his resolution, they 

 fainted ; it is said, that for three days horrible shrieks were heard in 

 the neighbourhood. Fortunately, however, for the gentle sex, " as 

 woman," as Mad. de Warens might have said, " who screams is not 

 dead," Pettitoes was not called upon to go in sables. The ladies, of 

 course, did not accompany Pettitoes to town ; no, they kept the country- 



