334 A History of the " Humbug" Family. [MARCH, 



set the Tiber on fire. It was to them we are indebted for plenary in- 

 dulgences; fortunate discovery, that for the sacrifice of a little loose 

 coin we might sin ad libitum, with pardon on earth, and paradise in 

 heaven ! Those were comfortable times to live in. It is much to be 

 regretted that we cannot get rid of an unfortunate creditor, or a trouble- 

 some acquaintance, with those methods of dispatch which were then in 

 practice. We have changed the name of sinner for that of prisoner, 

 and the office of the confessor for that of Jack Ketch. " What a falling 

 off is here, my countrymen." A man cannot take possession of his 

 neighbour's wife, or his tenant's property, without subjecting himself to 

 many disagreeable inconveniences. Liberty and the march of intellect 

 were better understood in the times of my ancestors ; a man might then 

 not only do what he liked with his own, which is not allowed to my 

 cousin of Newcastle, but might also do what he pleased with what did 

 not belong to him. 



The mode in which my family have been treated in this country, I 

 find to be exceedingly flattering. We have given many kings to the 

 British throne. I need but mention a few, John (though he lias done 

 our name some injury, by signing Magna Charta,) Richard the Second 

 and Third, Henry the Eighth, Charles the Second, and but I shall 

 say nothing of the George's. It is to be remarked that crowned heads 

 distinguished by epithets, are almost always of our family. Frederic of 

 Prussia, and Peter of Russia we have much reason to boast of. Louis 

 le Grand, and Louis le Desirt ; their most sacred and most catholic 

 majesties ; he of the celestial empire, and he of the sublime porte, the 

 king of the seven white elephants, and the pacha of three tails ; with 

 numerous other potentates, whose titles are equally distinguished, and 

 equally deserved ; I am proud to say are all of the blood of the " Hum- 

 bugs." It is with great respect that I mention the name of Oliver 

 Cromwell. During his supremacy ours was unquestioned. We lived 

 honoured and respected, and were mostly known then by the name 

 of puritans. It was one of my ancestors that Butler has immortalized 



" Who hanged his cat upon a Monday 

 For killing of a mouse on Sunday." 



But it is to our character for literature and science that our fame will 

 endure for ever. Who were the professors of the Eleusinian mysteries, 

 and those of Bacchus, and the Aphrodite ? Who were the philosophers ? 

 The Epicureans, the Stoics, the Cynics, and the other sects which 

 sprung up at Athens ? Who was Diogenes ? and who was Epicurus ? 

 Gentle reader, with due deference to classical authority, with few ex- 

 ceptions, they are all of the glorious race of " Humbugs." Who dis- 

 covered the atomic theory, the philosopher's stone, the universal panacea, 

 and the transmigration of souls ? Who were the alchy mists, the astro- 

 logers, and the magicians ? To whom are we indebted for the me- 

 tallic tractors, the vital air, and the universal rubber ? Who were Van 

 Helmont, Friar Bacon, the prophet Nixon, and Johanna Southcote, and 

 last, not least, who is the illustrious St. John Long ? The same, the 

 same ! Has not my family discovered a remedy for every disease under the 

 sun ? Have they not formed joint-stock companies which would enrich 

 all who joined them ? Did they not fish up chests of plate at Vigo Bay, 

 and sacks of pearls at the Ladrones? and did they not send home 

 cargoes of the precious metals from the watery mines of South America? 



