410 Drcarywit and his Friends. APRIL, 



urgent in a very short time, inasmuch as the total melting away and 

 vanishing of the young man's property was veritably nigh at hand, that 

 we, his oldest friends, to wit, Earthworm, Gulph, Millwheel, and my- 

 self, were constrained to call a council, and in close divan devise expe- 

 dients for reclaiming or restoring the infatuated victim. 



It was proposed by Earthworm, that the youth's effects should be 

 sequestrated and confided to his sole and peculiar care. Gulph, as one 

 of the executors under the father's will, was strenuously of opinion, that 

 the remainder of the property should be withheld from him ; while 

 Millwheel was for inserting him in Bedlam with the least possible 

 delay. For my part, I had enough to do to reconcile these conflicting 

 propositions, which, however, were speedily laid aside upon the appear- 

 ance of the young gentleman. - And now it was, that I made a serious 

 endeavour to bring the boy to his senses ; and with timely exhortation 

 and the most earnest entreaty, I have but little doubt that I should 

 have caused considerable salutary compunction and better resolutions 

 for the future, had it not been for the pestilent interference of those 

 vociferous old fools, who, nevertheless, found not their account in such 

 vehement discourse. Presuming too far upon the forbearance of their 

 quondam pupil, they proceeded to such extremity of reprehension as 

 caused the youth to have recourse to the poker, which directly led to 

 the necessity of their making a sudden and simultaneous rush to the 

 door, a huddling and tumultuous casting of themselves from the stair- 

 head, and a violent issue into the street ; the whole presenting a spec- 

 tacle of unextinguishable laughter to the window-gazing inmates of the 

 house, from which they had so unceremoniously disembogued them- 

 selves. 



Left, then, as at length he was, to the sole direction of Harebrainy >a 

 series of the most preposterous projects was the result. He contem- 

 plated, it seems, the civilization of the native Indians, and forthwith 

 despatched two ill-fated missionaries to attempt the establishment of a 

 commercial treaty between them. He proposed to send over books, 

 religious and profane, for their improvement, in exchange for toma- 

 hawks and other implements of warfare, to be used with advantage 

 upon the skulls of the more obtuse in our own country ; and was only 

 prevented from carrying his design into effect by a notification, that the 

 unfortunate functionaries had been devoured in toto by those whimsical 

 beings, who had accomplished a saraband after the repast, with the 

 most ingenious and extraordinary agility. 



But, why should I enter further into these distressing details ? why 

 relate the mining associations, the pearl fisheries, and the vinegar com- 

 panies, in which my friend Dreary wit took too fatal an interest ? What 

 need to tell, that after galloping most vigorously over South America., 

 our agent was unable to discover any suitable or practicable mine ; that 

 after incessant diving and plunging, not even an oyster shell was to be 

 detected ; and that the devil a drop of vinegar was to be had, for love 

 or money, unless, indeed, it were extracted from the visages of the 

 shareholders. 



It is of more importance to state, that these Utopian projects carried 

 away my friend's property without ceremony, and hastened the intro- 

 duction of Harebrain to a private retirement in Battersea-fields, de- 

 signed expressly for such spirits as despise utterly the usual diurnal 

 duties entailed upon our physical, moral, and intellectual being. 



