404 Drearyivii and Ids Friends. [APRIL,, 



smoothness of forehead on the other, were, if I may hazard the conjec- 

 ture, pretty much upon a par. 



The old gentleman, however, had friends of another complexion, 

 men, elevated far above the mists of prejudice and the tumults of pas- 

 sion. These worthy individuals were delighted at the accession so 

 recently made to their friend's family, and were the first to make a leg, 

 and present a congratulation. To these, of whom I shall just now only 

 remember two the estimable Earthworm and the respected Gulph, the 

 physiognomy of the infant, sooth to say, as yet so imperfectly developed, 

 indicated, with all the lineal accuracy of a chart, the possession of facul- 

 ties of a superhuman growth, and pointed out with a precision almost 

 miraculous, the destiny whereto fortune was about to raise him. In the 

 meanwhile, it was deemed to be a time-honoured observance to enrol his 

 name duly as a youthful Christian, at which ceremony the solemn Earth- 

 worm and the lugubrious Gulph were called upon to officiate as sponsors. 

 To this proposition one objection would fain have presented itself, since 

 the former was in common decency expected to make his appearance, 

 bearing some offering indicative of a kindly feeling towards the child, 

 which feeling was upon this occasion made manifest by the presentation 

 of a pair of pewter spoons, while an outlay of sixpence, paid into the 

 ruthless and vice-closing hand of the nurse, was entailed upon the un- 

 happy Gulph. These exactions, nevertheless, hindered not the out- 

 pouring of similar prognostications, to which the old gentleman lent a 

 ready ear, and, indeed would have given both ears rather than these 

 prophecies should be unfulfilled. But such is the infirmity of man 

 even these gratifying anticipations could not be indulged in a sober and 

 fitting spirit ; for, it is a grievous truth, that at the close of the day, this 

 worthy triumvirate demeaned themselves in a most heathenish and ex- 

 travagant manner. Drearywit had, long before the termination of the 

 evening, resigned his perpendicular, and was, as it should seem, strictly 

 and minutely scrutinizing the pattern of the carpet ; Earthworm had for 

 a considerable period been stretched athwart the mat at the foot of the 

 stairs, bellowing for assistance ; while Gulph, upon whose brain the in- 

 fluence of wine acted as an amiable madness, after dancing solemnly and 

 sedately about the drawing-room, was carried grinning and gibbering 

 to his own home, where the application of a few smart reprimands, and 

 as many smart boxes on the ear, administered by his wife, soon brought 

 him to his senses, and caused him to sneak up to bed with a very forlorn 

 and dejected deportment. 



CHAPTER THIRD. 



That ancient philosopher who made it his business to go out upon the 

 house-top and shout with a loud voice, " Educate your children," was 

 a well-intentioned, but I regret to say it, an absurd person. I am in- 

 clined to think he must have been a single gentleman, without incum- 

 brance of brains, at any rate and one addicted to the intolerable ill- 

 breeding of offering advice where it was least wanted. He should have 

 eschewed treading the tiles, and have "come down" with something 

 handsome. A score of young Greeks, boarded and converted into sages 

 at his sole charge, would have taken the conceit out of him. To be 

 plain, this sort of gratuitous advice is of no practical service whatever, 

 like Dr. Watts's considerate recommendation, " to get a vast quantity of 



