1832.] Dreary-wit and his Friends. 405 



ideas/' " never to be deceived by sopftisms or fallacies/' and the like. 

 Hand us over the coin then, deliver a cheque upon your banker, my 

 dear twaddler, or mum's the word. For, to speak in the vulgar tongue, 

 how is a family pauper to perform payment, a dustman to down with 

 his dust, or a " needy knife-grinder" to " fork over" the ready ? The 

 idea is preposterous. The expense, then, of educating his son had agi- 

 tated old Dreary wit most miserably ; for the schoolmaster was at that 

 time at home, and quite indisposed to " rear the tender thought," with- 

 out raising the stubborn charge for his trouble. It was this conviction 

 that decided the old gentleman upon keeping his child for a few years 

 under the tutelage of his grandmother, with whom, although he would 

 hardly acquire sufficient mental activity to skip over the various branches 

 of learning like an intellectual squirrel, to whom knowledge should be 

 as nuts, yet he would be enabled, perchance, to climb up the main trunk 

 of the tree, by the aid of goadings and castigation, in a deliberate, sober, 

 and steadfast manner. And, surely, this was a very prudent design, for 

 the lady in question was truly one of a thousand, and appeared to have 

 drunk constantly, if not from the very fountain of knowledge, at least 

 from some source, into which had been infused a strong decoction 

 of old-womanism, since her learning was of the traditional kind, and 

 sheathed itself in an infinite multiplicity of adages, proverbs, and axioms, 

 for an insight into which the curious may refer to Dr. Franklin passim, 

 or to the first sagacious aged gentlewoman he may chance to encounter. 

 The strictness of this amiable person's discipline more than kept pace 

 with her erudition, for the elements of our vernacular tongue once 

 thoroughly acquired the alphabet, I say, being digested, and the sylla- 

 bic mystery explained, " and there an end," as the respectable lady held, 

 never having read a book herself, that the truth was not in them. Her 

 instructions, then, such as they were (and far be it from me, by such 

 mode of phrase, to undervalue them), were delivered by word of mouth, 

 and enforced in an exemplary manner, viz. by causing her crutch to 

 descend upon the skull of the devoted wretch with amazing force, inso- 

 much that echoes were made to vibrate and tremble along the walls ; 

 and the immense thickness and density of the boy's occiput rendered 

 more pliable and porous, and fitter to the reception of such ideas as she 

 might please should take root and flourish there. 



It is somewhat remarkable, that the boy, so disciplined, even unto the 

 creation of echoes, as aforesaid, should have thriven thus vigorously ; 

 but so active and restless was his mind, and such a spirit of inquiry 

 actuated him, that his preceptress herself was heard to admit " he some- 

 times even puzzled her ;" nay, it was ascertained that he had supplied 

 the old lady with various information and knowledge to which she had 

 been heretofore a stranger. Some went so far as to say that he had 

 taught his grandmother " to suck eggs," but this I do not believe. I 

 must even express my doubt whether such ovicular instruction is prac- 

 tised in this age. The practice is, however, legendary, and comprises a 

 fine apologue, which may be called " Truth teaching Experience," and 

 rendered serviceably efficient as a hint to certain self-willed greybeards 

 of my acquaintance. 



Unpleasant difficulties, nevertheless, it must perforce be told, arose 

 out of. this reciprocal exchange of knowledge and community of ideas ; 

 for the lad> being now well nigh grown up, appeared less disposed than 

 he had hitherto shewn himself to receive implicitly such dogmas as the 



