26 COMMON INCIDENTS. 



iron-branded monster, be-peppered, be-salted, and be-horse-radished, 

 stared the general in the face. 



In vain the ' sheer-steel ' knife-blade is pressed and drawn in tor- 

 turing efforts upon it's hide : it must be torn it must be convulsed 

 by downright sinewy strength. The general has been fortunate 

 enough to detach a portion and insert it into his mouth ; his teeth 

 close harmless over the morsel ; the mouth is rapidly forced open 

 again by the elastic and re-active agency of the intruder. To tritu- 

 rate it to masticate it, is impossible. To what, or to whom, save 

 the jaws of a greyhound, or the professional pedestrian, for insertion 

 between the stocking and sole of his walking shoes to what, I re- 

 peat, save such purposes, can this rescinded ' Gluteus' be made 

 available ? 



" But for one end, one much neglected use 



Are ' Rump-steaks' worth your care." 



This would have formed a trying disappointment, had not the 

 considerate cook added oyster sauce, to" temper the rigidity of the 

 steak. The General looked wistfully at the sauce-boat ; nothing, 

 save a tranquil surface of congealed paste, was to be seen. Has the 

 bill-sticker been robbed of the contents of his tin pouch ? He re- 

 moved the superstratum : slowly the waves of greasy starch were 

 convoluted to the side of the boat ; he stirred the sub-natant liquid ; 

 the uniformity of the speckled deep was now broken by the eruption 

 of four skinny corrugated shapes, which, shrinking at the stimulus 

 of candle-light, again sunk to the bottom ; they are not mermaids : 

 from their care-wrinkled aspect, they are, without doubt, " oysters 

 cross'd in love." 



If my memory serve me truly, a roast fowl was included in the 

 " carte." From a cursory glance which I had of it, I can pronounce 

 it to have been an industrious and indefatigable biped, as it carried 

 it's liver under one arm and it's gizzard under the other. What 

 sauce or garnish adorned this latter dainty, I will not take upon my- 

 self to determine ; for, by this time, the dinner-disappointed East 

 Indian, who had been some time kindling, burst into a devouring 

 flame. Bells were rung, and waiters congregated, while, in a tor- 

 rent of invective, the General endeavoured to annihilate them by a 

 declaration of his name, rank, wealth, and honours. Pacification 

 could hardly be effected, till the master or head functionary made 

 his appearance, bearing in his hand a large bason of mulligatawny 

 soup, intended for somebody else, but brought as a votive offering, 

 to appease the fiery-faced, tempest-raising Pagan. The effect was 

 as miraculous as that of the Empress Helena casting overboard the 

 nail of the true Cross. The moment the fumes of the barbaric com- 

 pound saluted his distended organs, his bellowing and distorted tones 

 died away into a scarcely audible whisper the fiery perturbation of 

 his rolling eye-balls relaxed into a tender expression of contentment ; 

 his inflamed visage became suddenly imbued with the stolid tender- 

 ness of an heretofore enraged cow, who, licking her restored calf, 

 expresses her subsided fury by prolonged and indistinct mutterings ! 

 The last we saw of the general, was, bending over the landlord's 



