A NEW BOARDER, 





FEOM THE DIARY OP A JOKE HUNTER. 



_ 



DROPPED in at Wesley's, and had a chat with Maugham good 

 fellow Maugham ! Inquired what news there was in the city : told 

 me East India stock had dropped an eighth, and three meetings were 

 projected to consider as to the house and window tax. Consigned 

 East India stock and the house and window tax to old Harry ; and 

 impressed upon him, that my ambition being to gather fat, I was only 

 a quidnunc on the subject of fun. M. appreciated my motives in a 

 moment, and said there was a new boarder in the house, worthy of 

 the honour of my acquaintance. Bowed and begged to be introduced, 

 " Follow me," said M. Did so, and in a few moments was placed in 

 proper position to scrape the desiderated acquaintance. His head did 

 not strike me as being eminently intellectual he was in a profuse 

 perspiration, yet wholly destitute of colour ; he had a putty sort of 

 complexion oily, but whitey-brown ; his features had seemingly 

 been disorganized, and huddled together again any how : his head and 

 face, considered en masse, reminded me of a prodigious plum pud- 

 ding broken in boiling. He had just cut his thumb by using a blunt 

 knife, and was staunching the ruby stream in a ream of red blotting 

 paper. Duly commiserated him, and inquired how long he had 

 been a boarder in the house. " Three days," replied he, <( and I 

 don't think I've been idle: for I've ploughed ' The Field of Thessaly/ 

 clipped ' Ancient Coins and Medals,' "and made hollow backs for 

 < The British Poets, from Chaucer to Johnson.* The last thing I did, 

 afore I come here, was to bind nine set of ' The Runic SCALDS/ for 

 Mr. Burns of Hatton Garden, full morocco with prodigious tooling." 

 " Then you're not a mere boarder ?" 



"God forbid! only work, you see, is slack. Why; Sir, I wasthemanas 

 did Sir John Soane's famous folio copy of ' Modern Giants' for 

 Longman and Co. In course I made it twice as tall as the paper 

 royal elephant ; because for why Pope, I think it is, says, the sound 

 should be an echo to the sense ; and why shouldn't the binding be 

 ' an outward visible sign of the inward spiritual grace ?' That, to be 

 plain-spoken, is the maximum by which, wheresomever I can, with- 

 out acting contrary to order, I always abides. For instance, if I 

 could have my way, I'd bind ' The Taylor's master-piece' in 

 buck ' Suckling' in calf and ' Murphy/ provided it was possible, in 

 potatoe skins. Then again, when loose pieces are to be put toge- 

 ther,, why not instead of acting on the higgledy piggledy principle 

 be a little appropriate ? ' The art of Living on 100/. a-year,' should 

 be stitched up with ' Where shall I Dine?' Fitzball's appal ling Dram as, 

 with ' Hood's Comic Annual,' f Revenues of the Church/ with f Ra- 

 pacity of Wolves/ Orders in Chancery/ with odd numbers of * The 

 Penny Magazine,' Lord Althorp's Speeches on Taxation, with ' The 

 Crisis/ et cetera, and so forth, you know." 



isff But good as your plan is, it would not afford intelligence of the 

 wine within from the bush without." 



" Granted therefore, after all, boards is the thing ! Binding in 

 boards appropriate boards, mind me, would do away with the ex- 



