THE SHOET GENTLEMAN. 387 



one night, at a fancy-ball, whither I had gone in the character of 

 Alexander the Great; to whose fame I have always paid special wor- 

 ship, owing to the circumstance of his being, notwithstanding his 

 prowess and inseparable adjective, by no means of Titanic mould. 

 My Roxana, a lady of charms, that in China, or Bornou, would have 

 been homicidal, overcome by the heat of the room, fainted at my side. 

 With the devotedness of a manly heart, I extended my arms to arrest 

 her fall ; but, Oh ! horrescimus rcferens, it was only to exhibit the 

 conqueror sinking, like a weak Antony, under female influence. We 

 gravitated with a quelch that shook the building. The savage 

 laughter that arose still haunts my memory. That night I had well 

 nigh made business for the coroner. 



The above are annoyances which embitter a lot like mine, even in 

 circles where bienseance is supposed to prevail; important as shewing 

 how inseparable its plagues; but trivial, when compared with the "thou- 

 sand and one" practical pains and penalties attendant on a general com- 

 merce with the world. To be insignificant in presence, is to be the 

 certain victim of insolent coachmen, imposing watermen, overcharging 

 waiters, faithless book-keepers, et id genus omne. It is also to be the 

 chosen mark for every " saucy jack's" witticism, every drawcansir's 

 oath, and every wicked waggery, that may not be experimented, with 

 impunity, elsewhere. " Dat deus immiti cornua curia bovi," we are 

 told : I wish I could find it so, for your " bos piger" butts heavily. 

 From all these pests, the man of "big assemblance" steps free. 

 Should there not be some moral tax on so vast an exemption ? To 

 recite a tithe of the instances wherein I have suffered, through my ex- 

 clusion from the benefits of that natural magna charta, would fill a 

 volume. The very laws, which should be my sure safeguard, have 

 occasionally added to my list of grievances : for I can recollect having 

 been no less than four times seized,and committed to custody, as a party 

 to unruly mobs, I wished to escape, for no other reason than that of 

 offering the sort of capture, some " ancient and quiet" officer could 

 most readily effect. Again, if ever my ill stars throw me amongst a 

 knot of opstreperous companions, sure it is, that I prove the indivi- 

 dual singled out to endure the retaliation of those their impertinence 

 may offend. Talk of being inured to hardships ! egad ! no six-foot 

 adventurer that ever crossed the seas, granting him his half dozen 

 " hairbreadth 'scapes/' can make up the aggregate of trials I have 

 gone through without leaving this metropolis. 



Nor are the evils of a diminutive frame confined to matters of co- 

 ercion, and mere manhood, any more than to gallings of vanity. 

 On the contrary, it involves so many other disturbances, that sum- 

 ming up the whole, I am fully persuaded the curse charged upon the 

 descendants of Cain (whereabout the learned differ), can have been 

 neither more nor less than lowness of stature. Is it agreeable to be 

 always condemned to ride bodkin, when travelling with six "in- 

 sides?" is it either elegant, or comfortable, to take horse-exercise, 

 sitting as though one bestrode an elephant? to submerge in the 

 corner of even a moderately-sized arm-chair, almost hidden, like a 

 coy perriwinkle in its shell ? to be perched up at the dinner-table, 

 with chin possibly above its level, but toes barely touching the 



