TOM RAFFLES. 433 



you know, is always the case when a gentleman happens to be flush ; 

 so I turns quick into the cloister,, and as I faces the door, of all new 

 inventions what meets my blessed eyes but a door-bell, with the 

 words above it Don't ring the bell. ' Don't ?' says I. ' Won't I, 

 though ?' says I. * But I will,' says I ; ' and you shall have a regular 

 bob-major, Mr. Raffles, if you're up to your hide-and-seek.' So I 

 catches hold of the handle when down I goes all of a heap like 

 lightning ! Little B. and old M. seed me drop, and run to, and 

 picked me up, and untied my neckcloth, and roared for cold water 

 like wenches out of their wits , and, upon my soul, I didn't know to 

 a nicety myself whether I was a human being or a corpse ! How- 

 ever, at last I lifted up one leg just to try the question. When my 

 kind Samaritans see'd that, they begun to think about Mr. Raffles, 

 and to jostle who should have the first pull at the bell. The tailor 

 got it and down he went as if his head had been knocked off with a 

 sleeve-board ! Burn my stable down, if I could help laughing, 

 though I was trembling and sweating all the time like a jelly in June. 

 The best of it was, the barber, the silly old Simeonite, was clearly 

 muddled by two such awful visitations, and stood shivering and chit- 

 tering, thinking it was his turn next, till out of shere funk he dropped 

 down on his nethers, and prayed like Peter. At last, says I, ( I 

 think we'd better get out of this ;' and bolted off the two poor devils 

 crawling after me on all-fours, like a pair of Nebuchadnezzars going 

 to grass. When I got home I begun to ruminate ; and when I got 

 my garret in order, so as to think a thought or two, I calls my son 

 Bill, and tells him all about it; and says I, ' Now, Bill, go you to- 

 morrow morning and wait on Mr. Raffles, but whatever you do, 

 don't ring the bell knock at the door.' So Bill goes the next morning; 

 and, in about a quarter of an hour, he comes back with a face as long 

 as London. ' You fool !' says I, ' sure you didn't ring the bell?' f No, 

 father/ says he ; ' but when I got there, and was just going to thump 

 the oak, what does I visage in red letters but DON'T KNOCK AT THE 

 DOOR ! After how you was sarved yesterday, father Lord ! I felt 

 just like cousin Dick, when he found he'd gone one step into the 

 coal-pit/ And so Bill jammed his fists safe into his pockets, and 

 walked off. And, if you believe me, we was all play'd this cantide 

 for a whole week, and might have been till our knuckles, for him, 

 were as soft as a lady's, had it not been told the master, who put a 

 stop to it like a gentleman." 



The fact was, that Tom had got a bell hung, and connected the 

 wire with his electrical machine. Whenever he saw a dun coming, 

 which he could do from a window facing the street, " I began," said 

 he, " to grind away for my life, and I verily believe that I gave the 

 little tailor a shock that would have overthrown a regiment of foot." 

 The ominous warning on the door was, of course, merely a ruse. 

 Tom's waggery, however, did not pay his debts. He left Cambridge 

 deeply involved. 



***** 



About two years ago a college living was left open to my accept- 

 ance in the order of seniority, and I abandoned my fellowship for it, 

 with pretty much the same sort of feeling as a subaltern may be 



