1830.] The Malcontent. 527 



shall I say it ? selfish most selfish woman. Advices had been thrown 

 out base advices before the knot was tied the Gordian knot that one 

 may neither untie nor cut that property, actual effects, were apper- 

 taining and belonging to her ; obscure intimations had been rumoured, 

 that a certain annuity was, at stated intervals, in course of payment j and a 

 hint had been dropped of the dropping off of precarious relatives " upon 

 which hint I spake." Will it be believed, that, upon diligent and care- 

 ful search after the ceremony, repeated upon several after occasions, I 

 was confirmed in the dreadful conviction, that this entity this being 

 this overplus of creation, had altogether deceived me, and had taken 

 advantage of my trusting confidence and unsuspecting affection ? And 

 yet such is the fact. Hymen soon extinguished his torch by poking it 

 into the eye of Cupid. And now were explained the mystical symbols 

 of disapproval on the part of many of my friends, wrapped up in the 

 startling form of supposition j and now were manifested unto me the 

 sleeve-hidden grins of the prophetic few who had foreseen this calamity. 

 Shall I ever forget that day when, half-conscious, all-fatal rashness ! I 

 stumbled, with a ring and a wry face, down the aisle ? Shall I forget 

 the involuntary start (oh ! that / had started !) of the parson, or the 

 almost imploring gaze of the philanthropic clerk ? And yet these inter- 

 positions, as I verily believe them to have been these vague renderings 

 of a doubtful meaning, were lost upon me and I was lost. Swallowed 

 up by despair, what was I to do ? what, but with a sagacity that the 

 occasion called forth, accept a humble, yet, withal, not unlucrative 

 appointment in this metropolis. It was done. 



Meanwhile my home became irksome to me truly irksome and I 

 fell insensibly into the vulgar and demoralizing habit of attending the 

 tavern, for the express purpose of imbibing porter and smoking pipes. 

 Not that I had very much reason to complain of the general arrange- 

 ment of my domestic establishment ; the furious assaults of my wife, 

 made as they were in a spirit of ignorant vituperation, moved me not a 

 jot. Her reproaches were a source of hidden, but of sincere delight to 

 me ; and I at last attained to such wondrous skill in evading the soft 

 single rap of the obsequious poker, and in transferring the destination of 

 the winged boot-jack, as was most curious, and, I have no doubt, instruc- 

 tive to behold. In spite, therefore, of occasional recrimination on my 

 part (conducted upon the most philosophical and Christian principle), 

 and a tendency to fall into sudden fits a strange, unaccountable afflic- 

 tion during which I swung my hands and arms about in an eccentric 

 and fatal manner we might be said to gather an average crop of 

 domestic bliss. 



But I was wrong, decidedly wrong, in the aforesaid visitation of 

 taverns, with the accompanying absorption of fluid ; for (I speak it in 

 confidence) during those hours of absence, a score of the most deadly 

 drinks was in course of inflammation at the Red Lion, adjacent to my 

 dwelling. Yes, even as Ariadne, when abandoned by Theseus, was fain 

 to console herself with Bacchus or in other words, took to the bottle 

 so did the imprudent partner of my life in like manner deport herself. 

 But this was a pardonable weakness. 



It chanced that I took to my bosom a viper that I made the acquaint- 

 ance, and cultivated the friendship of one who, having warmed himself 

 at my fire, stung me. How frequent were his visits !-^-how welcome ! 



