MISADVENTURES OF A LOVER. 35 



themselves wings and flown away. The cat, smarting from the harsh 

 gripe of the noodle, turned about by a sudden jerk of its body, and 

 inserted its talons in sundry parts of the lover's frontispiece. The 

 claret flowed profusely from divers fountains; and the poor fellow, 

 like his heart's best treasure, also swooned away. He was after- 

 wards carried to bed in an insensible state. Miss was taken away, 

 put into a carriage, and carried back to Pa' and Ma,' who, it is 

 hoped, will cure the young lady of her foolish passion." 



Here, in this vile print, was too clear a solution of the several 

 enigmas touching the three intruders, the absence and destiny of 

 Lavinia, and the horribly disfigured state of my face. My eyes 

 turned in their sockets before I got to the end of the odious para- 

 graph. My whole frame trembled. All things reeled about me. 

 The house appeared to be falling : I felt as if the world had come 

 to an end. 



It was long before my consciousness returned. When it did, my 

 first intention was to cover my disgrace from myself and to end my 

 earthly woes, by putting a period to my existence. What were the 

 best means of accomplishing my purpose was the first query which 

 demanded an answer. A razor ? I had lost too much blood already, 

 my face was too much mangled by feline talons to think of mangling 

 my throat with a razor. To speak a truth, after what I had seen of 

 gore in the case of my face, I had no wish to see more of that claret- 

 looking commodity, whether drawn by a razor or any other instru- 

 ment. Drown myself? That could not be accomplished without an 

 ample supply of water ; and where this was to be had I knew not, 

 being a complete stranger in the place. *' I might have enquired," 

 the reader will say. Had the reader seen my face at that time, he 

 would neither say nor think any such thing. It made it impossible 

 for me to think of going out of doors in open day, on any errand. 

 Besides, had I asked any body the way to a river, my face would 

 infallibly have generated instant suspicion of what my intentions 

 were, and consequently prevented their being carried into effect. 

 Hang myself? The only objection, but it was an insuperable one, 

 which I had to that mode of making my exit was, that all the off- 

 scourings of society, every lacquey and chimney sweep who get tired 

 of life, end it by means of a rope, a handkerchief, or some other sus- 

 pender. At any rate, it is indubitably certain that no gentleman 

 swings by his own hand. Pistols ? Well, I concluded, blowing out 

 one's brains is certainly the preferable mode of doing the business of 

 any yet mentioned. Rut the evil of it was, I had no pistol : that had 

 already proved my misfortune. It was the most grievous error I 

 ever committed, that I omitted to take a pair of pistols with me when 

 Lavinia and I quitted Carlisle for Gretna. Had I taken these im- 

 plements with me, she and I had been by this time man and wife. I 

 should, in that case, have instantaneously scattered in a thousand di- 

 rections, the brains of a couple of the trio of insolent intruders, when 

 they presumed to lay hands on Lavinia, and the third would, coward- 

 like, have taken to his heels. But regrets were unavailing now ; the 

 question was how to procure a pair of pistols for my present pur- 

 pose. I could not, for the reason already mentioned, venture out 



