1 828.] The Major and Myself. 19 



sign of the " crooked billet/' that I was irretrievably marred, by which 

 same token I despaired. And then, no more remittances ! The thing 



" resolved itself into a do." 



I turned it over and over in my mind, till my brain took the hint, and 

 began to turn likewise but without avail. 



I was thunderstruck. The Major married, and I unprovided for ! 

 That last thought went, like a flash of lightning, through all my empty 

 pockets, and set fire to bills which already appeared waving in the hands 

 of importunate beings, with faces lit up by a ruthless glare. What could 

 I do but as I did order post-horses, and scamper across the country 

 to the mansion of the Major, concocting affecting appeals, as I rolled 

 along, to all the finer sensibilities of man's nature nepotal affection, 

 domestic tenderness, and what not ; which I purposed to illustrate from 

 the practice of the fabled Pelican ; and, indeed, by instances carefully 

 culled from natural history, well worthy of belief, but assuredly very 

 incredible. 



As I drew up the avenue, a prophetic gloom spread itself over the 

 premises. A gang of geese, of the most melancholy breed, held their 

 funeral course toward a sombre pond, and dropt, like substances of lead, 

 into it. A rustic swain, leaning on reversed pitchfork, pursed up a 

 brace of long lips, and created a tune of the wretchedest monotony ; and 

 the middle-aged aloe in front of the door looked more stiff and formal 

 than ever. The servant who opened the door presented that index to 

 the volume of his brain, a face, in which I read small emphatic mean- 

 ings, as in a vocabulary ; and the butler, as he advanced towards me, 

 appeared, to my alarmed apprehensions, to be drawing down the corners 

 of his mouth, even unto the waistcoat-pockets. 



However, gaining courage from despair, I burst into the parlour, and, 

 going upon my knees, demanded a blessing. Alarmed, not a little, by 

 this abrupt genuflexion, the Major and his lady started from their chairs, 

 and gazed, first at me and then at each other, dubiously, and in a manner 

 that would have moved the rigid muscles (rigid in death !) of the unfor- 

 tunate Miss Bailey herself, but which affected me not a whit. The 

 Major took a pinch of snuff, as if preparing to metamorphose his hand 

 into a fist ; and my aunt-in-law tossed a nose, blue as the firmament, 

 into the air, and muttered expressions of contempt and disgust. 



" It won't do, Jack it won't do !" said the Major, after a pause, with 

 strange calmness. " Resume your perpendicularity, and vanish. You're 

 not safe. Now, do go Jack, my dear boy, go or I'll throw you out of 

 the window, you rascal, I will !" Saying which, I retired, and betook 

 myself to the hall, in an agony of doubt, amazement, and fear. Here I 

 paced wildly about, smiling grievously, and at intervals breaking forth 

 with disastrously whimsical confessions of the gratification this treatment 

 afforded me. Then did I arrange my frill, and pluck at my collar, till 

 I nearly drew my shirt off my back ; and kicked the chairs about, after 

 a most ridiculous fashion. 



Presently, the Major came oozing through the parlour-door, and, 

 beckoning me to him, said confusedly, " Jack, you dog, you're not 

 liked abhorred, upon my soul ! Therefore, make no (broken) bones 

 of the matter, but return to college." And so, squeezing into my hand 

 a small paper, he shrunk back. Now this was spoken so hurriedly, that 

 I found it impossible to put in even an indefinite article edgeways; 



D 2 



