PORTRAIT-GALLERY OF OLD BACHELORS. 481 



This antipathy however gradually abated, when his disappointments 

 were smoothed by the hand of time, whilst his choler seemed to 

 acquire new vigour; and this, as his bachelor habits settled upon 

 him, and he grew finical and precise, rendered him almost un- 

 bearable. If his friends are invited to dinner, and they miss the 

 precise minute, he is in a fever of vexation ; if his newspaper is not 

 laid upon his breakfast-table ready for perusal, well dried and neatly 

 folded, he swears, '* ye gods, how he does swear!" If his jovial 

 housekeeper exceeds her stated allowance, however well he can 

 afford it, and however* necessary the extra outlay may have been, 

 he goes black in the face with anger, and threatens death and dam- 

 nation to Mrs. Jones ; if his cook fails in her duty, and sends his 

 viands to table wanting in their proper piquancy, the very spirit of 

 Heliogabalus seems to animate him ; does his butcher deliver an 

 inferior joint, he had better meet a mad dog than encounter Charles 

 Placid ; does his shoemaker perpetrate a piece of workmanship not 

 having his precise cut, neither St. Crispinus nor St. Crispinianus 

 would be sufficient to save the shoulders of the unfortunate professor 

 of wax and leather from a hearty thwack, were he present during the 

 first ebullition of rage ; does he detect his housemaid doing the 

 pretty at his drawing-room window, the Rasp-house or Penitentiary 

 are too good for the hussy ; is John dilatory in answering his bell, 

 he is sure to meet his master at the door with a brow as black as 

 midnight; does his groom neglect his favourite mare or bring her from 

 the stable badly dressed, woe betide the unlucky man of horses ; 

 does his gardener suffer his dominions to be out of order, " idle 

 scoundrel" is the kindest word that will salute his ears for many a 

 day ; are his friends sick, his cellar and larder are at their command, 

 but if he finds they are not used just to suit his humour, he makes 

 no scruple to tell them angrily, and thus spoil his kindness; are they 

 unfortunate, his purse is opened, but if his wishes are not strictly 

 attended to, or his advice deemed impracticable, " go to the devil ! " 

 is the consolation ; and thus it is throughout his entire actions. He 

 is a perpetual April'day, and never to be relied on, ever starting off 

 at some unexpected tangent, or blowing up like an endless series of 

 crackers. So far does he carry his carping and angry temper, that 

 he quarrels with the elements and seasons ; if we visit him in winter, 

 we find him half-smothered in his library, with a huge fire, double 

 windows, and pipes of hot air diffusing an uncomfortable warmth, 

 yet he is swearing at the villanous climate, and asserts that to live 

 under the North Pole must be pleasant compared to his own 

 latitude ; if in summer, he is lying in a garden-house of oriental 

 architecture, every window covered with wetted tatties, and wishing 

 himself at Sumatra or Delhi, or any where but where he is ; if we 

 walk with him in spring, he sets out dressed very lightly, and curses 

 the fickle skies, because a cold breeze happens to make him shiver to 

 the backbone; if in autumn, the rich yellow light and the rustle of 

 the falling leaf no whit softens his angry temperament the first 

 puts him in mind of an attack of jaundice he once laboured under, 

 and the other of the widow's satin dress, both of which he inveighs 

 against till he works himself into a passion, and ends by wishing 



