PORTRAIT-GALLERY OF OLD BACHKLORS. 563 



Well did Lucian sing thy incurable nature : 



' Me, not Apollo's self, with all his drugs, 

 High heaven's divine physician, can subdue, 

 ^Nor his learn'd son, wise Esculapius.' 



I am starved to the very marrow, and it 's growing dark ho, ha ! 

 and here comes that beastly cur of Armstrong's the brute knows 

 I am chair-fast, and plays his gambles as if I were nobody : get out, 

 sirrah ! jumped upon the buffet, by the gods! and knocked down my 

 five-guinea decanters ! have at you with the physic-bottle I wish 

 it may split your skull ha ! smashed my china vase a hundred devils 

 seize you! fiends and furies! what, James, you villain, James ! you 

 immeasurable scoundrel! James, Jaines, you dog, you rascal, 

 James! ho, ho! ha, ha ! Damnation! I shall go mad !" and so on, 

 till his servants, being wearied of their own sports and private amuse- 

 ments, find time to attend ; and one and all vow they have never 

 heard him, and were afraid to disturb him, hoping that he was 

 asleep, and better every thing was so quiet; while his rage and fury 

 evaporated in impotent threats to turn them out of the house. 



The gouty old Bachelors, when free from their infernal visitor, are, 

 in general, jolly fellows ; and were it not for their ridiculous and 

 precise habits, would be undeniable boon companions. To quote 

 again from Lucian gout loquitur 



" For in my rites who e'er participates, 



His tongue with eloquence I straight endow ; 

 And teach him with facetious wit to please 

 A merry, gay, jocose companion boon: " 



whether it is that gout has specific powers for giving hilarity, and 

 expanding the genial current of the soul, we know not ; but certain 

 it is that many gouty cripples are delightful associates in those hours 

 which are devoted to brushing away from the mind the cobwebs of 

 care and business. We hold chalk-stones, indeed, to be marks 

 of a similar signification with the 'jolly red nose * of the old Bac- 

 chanalian song; namely, that they * are signs of good company.' 

 We are of course speaking only of gout when it is man's own pro- 

 ducing: where it is hereditary, a heir-loom, a parental endowment, 

 a congenital curse, the case is different, and we would not give a 

 farlhing for a bushel. 



The great misery of these worthies is that wine and generous 

 living are, like Cato's dagger, both their bane and antidote one 

 time filling them with a noble contempt for past, present, and to 

 come, and another rousing into activity their fell enemy, till 



'* Through every joint the thrilling anguish pours, 

 And gnaws, and burns, and tortures, and devours :" 



hence it is often exquisitely ludicrous to watch a podagral bon vivant 

 seated before a well-stocked table, covered with every culinary deli- 

 cacy ; and we can fancy that a dialogue is going on between his toe 

 and his stomach, during which he remains in suspense, apparently 



