15(> SOME GENTLEMAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 



having at length arisen in the breast of some Vandal as to the fact of 

 Garnet being alive, he had induced one of the judges peremptorily to 

 call for the alleged attorney's production. In this dilemma my divine 

 friend had met with me, and wishing to oblige her, I had put on 

 flannel, suffered myself to be carried before the judge, personated 

 Garnet, and obtained a legal recognition of my identity. Now all 

 this was incorrect conduct it would be difficult to justify it but 

 what could I do ? Maria's large blue eyes and fine Canova lips were 

 all-conquering ! With the eloquent fingers of her right hand twined 

 like honeysuckles round my own, while rriy left clasped hers at the 

 slender base of her back among the bows of her waist-ribbon all her 

 delicious digits, encircled by diamonds, the adamantine hardness of 

 which finely contrasted on the sense of touch with the paramount pulpy 

 softness of her palms I ask again, what could I do ? Her bosom 

 was heaving so adjacently, on account of our position, that its anxious 

 throbs reverberated in my own ; I felt her lips breathing a halo of 

 warm perfume about my face ; our eyes were scarcely the breadth of a 

 billet doux apart she executed one emotion, slightly hysterical, and, 

 not being possessed of the means wherewith to achieve a dinner, I 

 acquiesced. Honesty is all comparative, and he who holds his head 

 highest, would stoop it lowest, if his stomach vociferated " Polony," and 

 he had not three halfpence to buy one. I became particeps criminis 

 but not a puppet why should she and sleek Gruel enjoy twenty 

 shillings in the pound as regarded the pious fraud, in which I, who 

 had played first fiddle, was to be fobbed off, with a composition suf- 

 ficient to enable me to emigrate ? for that, it will be remembered, was 

 the outside of her offer a few hundreds ! Pooh ! my common sense 

 revolted at the suggestion, for I was no angel. It was quite reasonable 

 that I should consent to no such arrangement. I was her legally ac- 

 knowledged husband and I had no desire to have a more exquisite 

 wife for to confess the truth of Maria, though I now hate her, she 

 was the most highly-finished little woman that ever nature, within 

 my experience, put out of hand faultless and fascinating without a 

 blemish or a point that the most refined voluptuary would wish to 

 have altered Grecian and classical, yet piquante as a soubrette 

 buoyant and lively as a milkmaid, yet possessing that air prononce 

 which is so enthralling in fine women of quality. I had admired her 

 as a girl I was infatuated with her as a woman besides her horse 

 Beelzebub, and the cab, were capital, and the business yielded large 

 profits. Maria, it will not be forgotten, perhaps, after having at- 

 tempted to stab me, when I asserted the privileges of my position, 

 had been taken to bed, where she still remained. She had, however, 

 admitted Gruel to a consultation in my absence. My fortifications 

 seemed impregnable but somehow or other I was in fear of my sleek 

 friend. He sate silently munching his biscuit and sipping his wine 

 on the corner of the chair, without speaking a word. I would have 

 given half my little finger to have seen the fellow's eyes I deter- 

 mined to do so at no expense. 



Assuming a gay and careless air, I exclaimed, while crushing a 

 walnut, " You'll think it odd, perhaps, Mr. Gruel, but strange as it 

 may seem, I never could see through any man's spectacles. Allow 



