

ART OF TOAD-EATING. 



FROM very early youth I had a pretty knack of saying polite 

 things to my betters, and then turning round on my heel and 

 quizzing them right heartily. This versatility I thought I might 

 turn to my advantage, and so without knowing what toad-eating 

 meant, I commenced the profession at school; a very pleasant 

 profession in sooth it is it answers all the purposes of swindling, 

 picking pockets, and forgery, to say nothing of housebreaking, for it 

 introduces one into many a pantry, and yet all this is done at no per- 

 sonal risk whatever. As I was not at all disposed to manual labour 

 or intellectual exertion, I had no other resource than this most inge- 

 nious art, and an excellent resource I have found it. It is vituperated 

 and despised, its professors are treated with much contempt so 

 much the better for them, for that prevents the profession from being 

 overstocked. I now play toady to some eight or ten men and women 

 of high rank, whereas if there were many of us, each individual peer 

 might keep his own toad-eater. 



I commenced my profession,, as I said, at school. My master was 

 one of those who are said to unite the gentleman and the scholar, in 

 which union by the way, the gentleman bears about the same pro- 

 portion to the scholar as FalstafTs sack did to his halfpenny worth of 

 bread. My master also united the Christian to the other union of 

 gentleman and scholar, that is, he was a remarkably easy-tempered 

 man, read prayers most delightfully, for he was a clergyman ; had a 

 pretty white hand, never got drunk, and made a conscience of never 

 playing at whist higher than shilling points. Such a man, of course, 

 was an object of universal esteem, and I could not help telling him 

 so ; it was rather pert in me as a boy, but he took it kindly as it was 

 meant, and attributed it to my simplicity. 



He acknowledged, as I afterwards ascertained, that I was a very 

 amiable boy. It was always a great point with me to endeavour to 

 learn what people thought of me, and I was particularly anxious to 

 be thought amiable. There were two things, which are sometimes 

 met with in large schools, and which are my particular aversion, I 

 mean birch and books. My difficulty was how to avoid them both. 

 I could think of no other contrivance than toad-eating, so I became 

 toad-eater to the master, to the mistress, and to the bigger boys. 

 Being rather a pretty boy, and not addicted to hard study, which 

 might interfere with the brightness of my eyes, and the ivory smooth- 

 ness of my forehead, I frequently attracted the notice of strangers, 

 and more especially of the parents of my schoolfellows ; and there- 

 upon it came into my mind that something might be made of all this 

 admiration, more than sweet looks and fine words. Presently I found 

 it so, for I received an invitation from a baronet, whose son was my 

 schoolfellow, to spend a few days at his seat during the holidays. 

 Now, very likely the reader is anticipating that I eagerly accepted 

 the invitation ; but the fact is, I did no such thing, for I was aiming 



M.M. No. 92. 2C 



