556 FRAGMENT OF A FARCE. 



been at my command. Why, Sir, I've ate my way from Westminster 

 to Whitechapel from the patrician to the bourgeois dined at every 

 hall and even hob-and-nobbed, Sirs, with Royalty itself. Indeed 

 before my omniverous gastronomical powers began to get so noto- 

 rious, I've often had six invitations for a day ay, upwards of six, 

 ye gods ! Then have I longed for ubiquity ! Then have I envied 

 certain sinecurists, and acknowledged with a sigh the vast advantage 

 of being able to be in half a dozen places at once. Ah, those were 

 glorious eating times ; but now heigho ! To be sure, in the city 

 sometimes . 



Stan. Ay, that's the place the real land of fat, Sirs ! A citizen 

 has a high respect for the military ; and though he may not exactly 

 approve a soldier for his son-in-law, he is generally very willing to 

 admit him to his table, and treat him with every hospitality. Of 

 course, I mean your real service-boy your approved soldado; one 

 on whose brow the scorching suns of Andalusia have written " SOL- 

 DIER," or whose mutilated frame bespeaks him the defender of his 

 country's honour the champion of her trade ! (Loud applause.) 



Chip. Pop that into your next farce, Doctor. It will tell famously 



Mount. Your citizen, besides, is mighty curious about battles. 

 Only talk to him of sieges, and skrimmages, and such like, and by 

 the powers he'll listen to you for ever, especially if you have been 

 concerned in them yourself; and then he looks upon you as a greater 

 Count than the Recorder, and treats you accordingly. Sure I'll never 

 forget an ould bald-pated citoyen, whom I encountered for the first 

 time at a man's in Coleman-street. He was sitting opposite, shovel- 

 ling away at double-quick time at a plate of Birch's real, " the world 

 forgetting, by the world forgot." Our host happened to address me 

 with " Well, captain, I suppose this is a better dinner than you had 

 at Waterloo ?" Waterloo ! The word was electric. It acted upon 

 the ould gentleman like a rocket. Down went the spoon. With eyes 

 distended and open mouth, the soup at the same time running down 

 in two distinct streams from each corner of it, he sat gazing upon me 

 in speechless admiration, and at length exclaimed " Lord have 

 mercy upon us, sir ! were you at Waterloo ?" then seizing my hand 

 from across the table, and shaking it violently in the butter-boat, he 

 told me I was an honour to my country, and he should be happy to 

 see me at Camberwell next day, when he had a few friends to turtle 

 and venison, to whom he should be proud to introduce me. I lived 

 three years on the battle of Waterloo ! 



All. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 



Chip. I was cruising off Flushing about three weeks before that 

 grand affair, I remember, and on boarding one of our transports at 

 the mouth of the Scheldt, whom should I see among the passengers 

 but Master Gussy here. We agreed there would be broken heads 

 before long, and were not mistaken. 



Stan. I thought you landed at Ostend ? 



Mount. The regiment did. I was on leave, however, whan it 

 sailed, and so joined as I could, and a precious passage I had of it ! 

 Pent up in that tub of a transport, as sick as the devil, and squatting 

 down to salt junk every day, with a clamp master, a black table cloth. 



