178 The Newspaper Office. [FEB. 



LADY. What a brute ! Tell me, Sir, now that you look on me once 

 more, have you no regard for the manifest delicacy of my constitution ? 

 Mark me well ! Am I not thanks to your prolonged injustice the 

 very picture of ill-health ? Am I not consumptively inclirfed ? 



EDITOR. Yes, at meal times. 



LADY (coaxingly). Really now, my dear . 



EDITOR. Dear ! Like enough ; I always thought I felt antlers 

 sprouting here. (Points insignificantly to his forehead. ) 



LADY. Fool dolt idiot ! 



EDITOR. Right, or I should never have married you. 



LADY. Ah \ my first husband, Mr. T , never used me so. I lived 



in heaven with him. 



EDITOR. I wish to God you were with him now. 



LADY. Gracious heaven, I shall go mad ! 



EDITOR. That's nothing new. 



LADY (weeping). Cruel, cruel man, how have I deserved this of you ? 



EDITOR (aside). Tears ! She cannot surely be feigning now ! I fear 

 I have gone too far. (He hesitates, then moves towards her.) One word, 

 Madam, and it remains with yourself, whether or no we shall again 

 reside together under the same roof. You are well aware of my nervous, 

 febrile temperament, the cause of all our disputes. You well remember 

 those halcyon moments when, in the fervour of domestic discussion, you 

 were in the habit of clinching your arguments with the candlestick, while 

 I rejoined with the footstool. Answer me, then, once for all, and in 

 earnest. Knowing all this, are you again willing to take me and my 

 nerves under your gracious patronage and protection ? For my own 

 part having been always an adventurous speculator, even where the 

 odds were against me I am willing to resume the experiment. Years 

 have passed since last we met, and have brought, no doubt, proportion- 

 ate wisdom to both. With respect to external attractions, you, I perceive, 

 have lost your hair, and I my teeth, so that neither is again likely to be 

 jealous of the other. Henceforth, " Othello's, occupation's gone." I am 

 far from apprehensive of any Cassio running away with my venerable 

 Desdemona unless, indeed, for the value of her wig and as for my 

 running, it is wholly out of the question, I have been lame with the 

 gout for years. A slug would beat me now, even though I had ten 

 yards start of him. Such being the case, I cannot but think we have 

 some slight chance of domestic felicity at least for one hour in the 

 twenty-four and let me assure you, Madam, that, as times go, one hour's 

 peace per diem is a very handsome allowance for the married state. You 

 see I am far from unreasonable in my expectations. 



LADY (shaking hands with him). I accede to your terms. 



EDITOR. Then I am the happiest of men. 



LADY. Ay, so you said when you first beguiled me from my state of 

 widowhood. 



EDITOR. True, Madam, I have said many foolish things in my time. 



Enter O'FLAM. 



Mr. O'Flam, you behold me in a new condition. I have added an 

 appendix to the volume of my life, and in the person of this lady have 

 discovered a long-lost wife. 



O'FLAM. Pardon my embarrassment, but I feel myself peculiarly 

 situated. I scarcely know whether to condole with, or congratulate you 

 on the discovery. 



