1 83 1 .] Mechanism and Us Marvels. 483 



minutes would be sufficient to transmit the Ietter4>ags from London to Ports- 

 mouth, a distance of 70 miles." 



If the Belfast professor can find no better employment for his calcu- 

 lations, we are much at a loss to know the use of his being taught 

 Algebra. Here we have mail-bags proposed to be shot through a tun- 

 nel, for carried is out of the question, at the rate of about six miles a 

 minute, or three hundred and sixty miles an hour. What kind of mail- 

 bag must it be which could stand the wear and tear of such a journey ? 

 we known nothing equal to it except the texture of the Belfast pro- 

 fessor's scull. But why all this waste of tunnel and air pump ? why not 

 put the mail into a cannon-ball at once, and fire it off by point blank 

 stages ? We consider the latter as decidedly the more rational, as it is 

 the equally safe and much more manageable contrivance, while it has 

 all possible advantages in point of finance ; and in a national point of 

 view might afford a pleasant and permanent practice for that meritori- 

 ous body, the royal regiment of artillery. 



THEATRES, MAJOR AND MINOR. 



Frederic Reynolds is growing old, and he now indulges us with his 

 " Reminiscences" in the natural style of age. He fights his battles o'er 

 again, and makes the most of them both times. But he has no right, old 

 as he is, to bring all the world behind the scenes, and reveal the con- 

 trivances of the machinery there, unless, indeed, he is acting on the 

 principle, that as he was the chief constructor, himself of the tricks, called 

 the management, of a new play, the principal sinner is pricked by con- 

 science to make the first confession. Here is a fragment of his king's 

 evidence, 



" In the event of two or three disastrous seasons, that formidable champion, 

 the press, always most liberally and good-naturedly comes forward, and offers 

 to rally round the falling- house. After various sprites, we then bring out our 

 manufactured novelty our aforesaid lion or lioness of course taking care 

 that the curtain shall draw up to a crowded audience; for if it be a bad house, 

 the town regularly deem it to be a bad performance. Then, as to applause, 

 in addition to our rank and file, the dread of closing our doors induce so many 

 hundreds to open their hands and mouths, that three rounds, and continued 

 bravos are secured to every attitude and clap-trap. Next, if a tragedy be 

 selected for this important first appearance, we rely on the never-failing pathetic 

 author's producing tears ; but having three or four fainter s at command, we 

 ourselves bring them into action/' 



The confessor to whom he makes the discovery is moved to the soul 

 by its genius, and declares that it leaves nothing to chance. 



Nothing, is the answer ; " for, the curtain down, the hackneyed call, 

 amidst waving of hats and handkerchiefs, is huzzaingly made and ac- 

 ceded to. Laurel is likewise thrown on the stage ; the next morning 

 the tocsin of panegyric being sounded in every liberal paper, in a day or 

 two after, the manager not only raises the salary, but publicly, in the 

 green-room, makes a brilliant and appropriate present ; next, most of the 

 print-shops display a likeness of the new wonder, whose defects actually 

 become beauties; then, in case of the slightest indisposition, bulletins are 

 issued, and the box-keeper is also ordered to state that e not a box is to 

 be had for a month/ Such a sufficient quantity of dust is thrown into 

 John Bull's eyes, that he cannot see any mode of escape, and therefore, 



3 Q 2 



