58 DEFENCE OF THE BOTTLE. 



to drink a greater quantity than his brother Artaxerxes, against 

 whom he was marching ; which alone, he insinuates, ought by all 

 reasonable people to be esteemed a sufficient reason for placing him 

 on the throne. The Greeks were still harder drinkers than the Per- 

 sians, and we accordingly find that they conquered them. The 

 ability of Philip on this score is well known ; and it is a vulgar error 

 to suppose that his son Alexander obtained the appellation of great 

 by his victories : it was his exploits, not in the field, but at the table, 

 wfiich gained him so honourable a distinction. The dose by which 

 he was rendered a martyr was the cup of Hercules, containing nearly 

 four English quarts, which he intrepidly swallowed, without once 

 taking breath. 



It would be superfluous to adduce proofs to show that Homer, 

 Pindar, and Anacreon Virgil, Horace, and Ovid, were attached to 

 the amphera, or bottle ; the fire and spirit of their writings suffi- 

 ciently declare it. Our own Byron was wont to say that gin-and- 

 water was his only Helicon. But why confine myself to poets ? the 

 polite and warlike Julius, the stoical Cato, and the amorous Anthony, 

 all alike practised this virtue. So great a respect had the Romans for 

 those who drank long and often, that some of their most illustrious 

 families took their surnames from this admirable quality such as 

 Bibulus and others. The only redeeming trait in the character of 

 the tyrannical Tiberius was his being a professed drunkard ; whence 

 his courtiers, to do him honour, instead of Tiberius Claudius Nero, 

 complimentarily styled him Biberius Caldius Mero. 



Two beverages, however, of antiquity I hold in utter abhorrence ; 

 namely, Spartan broth and old Nestor's negus ; the last, as we learn 

 from Homer/was composed of Pramnian wine mixed with goats'- 

 milk cheese, and strewed with flour instead of nutmeg. 



I shall be asked, what is the moit proper time for indulging in the 

 bottle ? I answer that all hours and all occasions are equally suitable 

 and convenient; and here I cannot forbear quoting, from a jovial poet 

 of the last century, five excellent reasons for drinking : 

 " Good wine a friend or being dry 

 Or least you should be by-and-by 

 Or any other reason why." 



The last is absolutely conclusive. Wine is good alike for the mind 

 and body, it clears the brain, inspires the wit, and helps digestion. 

 The votary of Bacchus may be distinguished at a single glance, by 

 his sparkling eyes, ruddy complexion, and brisk step ; whereas the 

 cold-blooded race of water-drinkers unless they happen, indeed, to 

 be, as some of my acquaintance, drinkers of strong waters may be 

 detected at first sight, by their hollow cheeks, sunken eyes, swollen 

 paunch, and yellow tint. 



In fine, if you are sad, drink it will drive away sorrow ; if merry, 

 drink it will enhance your joy ; if you have much work on your 

 hands, drink it will lend you force to yet through it ; if you have 

 nothing to do, drink it is better to get drunk than be idle. Idleness, 

 not drunkenness, says the sage, is the mother of all the vices. The old 

 should drink to comfort them, the young to keep them out of harm's 

 way. Wine gives spirit and colour to women, and courage to men ; 



