DEFENCE OF THE BOTTLE. 



"Vina parant arsinous faciuntque caloribus aptos, 



Carafugit multo diluiturque mera. 

 Tune veniunt risus, tune paupes cornua sumit, 



Tune dolor et aurse ruguque frontis abit ; 

 Tune aperit mentes sevo rarissima nostro 



Simplicitas, artes excutiente deo." DE ARTE AMANDI, Lib. 1. 



" Wine cheers the genial heart, and warms the cold, 

 Wine makes the mournful glad, the timid bold ; 

 Wine from the gloomy brow dispels the cloud, 

 Wine makes the bashful free, the beggar proud ; 

 Frank as we pour the liquid magic down, 

 Pains, cares, and sorrows in the bowl we drown ; 

 Resentment vanquished, softens into smiles, 

 And honest truth succeeds to wonted wiles." B. 



MY surprise was not a little excited, on falling in with the proofs 

 produced by the venerable Trismegistus for the Progressive Degene- 

 racy of the Human Race, to find that, although he has very properly 

 supported his position by arguments drawn from the appetites 

 of antiquity, and has given some respectable instances of the ready 

 demolition of solid food, he has favoured us but with one example of 

 ancient prowess in the dispatch of liquid, which would have suited 

 his purpose infinitely better. Eating, though I allow it at times to 

 be convenient, and even pleasant, is but a laborious and vulgar exer- 

 cise in comparison with drinking. Nothing, in my opinion, more 

 clearly shows the deplorable degeneracy of the present age than 

 the disrepute into which hard drinking, or, as I consider it, sufficient 

 drinking, has lately fallen. Many definitions have been given of 

 man ; as that of Plato, who described him as a two-legged animal, 

 without feathers, which gave rise to the practical criticism of Dio- 

 genes, who, having plucked an unfortunate fowl, threw it into the 

 academy, sarcastically saying ef Behold the man of Plato." Others 

 have respectively styled him a laughing animal, a weeping animal, a 

 thinking animal all doubtful, and not sufficiently marked distinc- 

 tions. Have we not, also, laughing hysenas, weeping crocodiles, and 

 learned pigs? Now I, Mr. Editor, define man to be a drunken 

 animal, and, if it be hastily alleged against me that all men are not 

 so, I triumphantly reply that, if they are not, they ought to be so 

 occasionally. Whatever objections may be brought forward, it can- 

 not, at least, be asserted amongst them that my subject is a dry one. 

 And now to my proofs : 



The examples afforded by history are innumerable ; the most 

 celebrated princes, poets, generals, and philosophers were all drunk- 

 ards. To begin with the Persians Xenophon's model of a perfect 

 monarch, the elder Cyrus, was so addicted to drinking, that we find 

 in Herodotus, Queen Thomyris purposely leaving wine in his way, 

 and then falling on him whilst quietly employed in discussing the 

 contents of her hogsheads. Cyrus the younger, in his manifesto to 

 the people of Asia, dwells with much complacency on his being able 



M. M. No. 97. I 



