MRS. JOSEPH POUTER < OVER THE WAY.' 17 



fusion as much and as ineffectually as the audience attempted to con- 

 ceal their half-suppressed tittering, by coughing with the most extra- 

 ordinary violence 



" ' true I have married her : 



The very head and front of my offending 

 Hath this extent ; no more ' 



(Aside}. " Why don't you prompt, father?" 



" Because I've mislaid my spectacles, 1 ' said poor Mr. Gattleton, 

 almost dead with the heat and bustle. 



" There, now, it's ' rude am I/ said Uncle Tom." 



" Yes, I know it is," returned the unfortunate manager, proceed- 

 ing with his part. 



It would be useless and tiresome to quote the number of instances 

 in which Uncle Tom, now completely in his element, and instigated 

 by the mischievous Mrs. Porter, corrected the mistakes of the per- 

 formers; suffice it to say, that having once mounted his hobby, no- 

 thing could induce him to dismount ; so, during the whole of the 

 remainder of the play, he performed a sort of running accompani- 

 ment, by muttering every body's part, as it was being delivered, in 

 an under tone. The audience were highly amused, Mrs. Porter de- 

 lighted, the performers embarrassed ; Uncle Tom never was better 

 pleased in his life; and Uncle Tom's nephews and nieces had never, 

 although the declared heirs to his large property, so heartily wished 

 him gathered to his fathers as on that memorable occasion. Several 

 other minor causes, too, united to damp the ardour of the dramatis 

 personas. None of the performers could walk in their tights, or move 

 their arms in their jackets ; the pantaloons were too small, the boots 

 too large, and the swords of all shapes and sizes. Mr. Evans, natu- 

 rally too tall for the scenery, wore a black velvet hat with immense 

 white plumes, the glory of which was lost in f< the flies ;" and the only 

 other inconvenience of which was, that when it was off his head he 

 could not put it on, and when it was on he couldn't take it off. Not- 

 withstanding all his practice, too, he fell with his head and shoulders 

 as neatly through one of the side scenes, as a harlequin would jump 

 through a pannel in a Christmas pantomime. The pianoforte player, 

 overpowered by the extreme heat of the room, fainted away at the com- 

 mencement of the entertainments, leaving the music of " Masaniello" 

 to the flute and violoncello. The orchestra complained that Mr, Har- 

 field put them out, and Mr. Har field declared that the orchestra pre- 

 vented his singing at all. The fishermen, who were hired for 

 the occasion, revolted to the very life, positively refusing to play 

 without an increased allowance of spirits ; and their demand being 

 complied with, they got drunk in the eruption scene as naturally 

 as possible. The red fire which was burnt at the conclusion 

 of the second act not only nearly suffocated the audience, but they 

 narrowly escaped setting the house on fire ; as it was, the re- 

 mainder of the piece was acted in a thick fog. In short, the whole 

 affair was, as Mrs. Joseph Porter triumphantly told every body, " a 

 complete failure." The audience went home at four o'clock in the 

 morning, exhausted with laughter, suffering from severe head aches, 

 M.M. No. 97. D 



