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To the Editor of the MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



DEAR SIR After an existence dating nearly from the commence- 

 ment of the world, and flowing uninterruptedly in a constant stream 

 of honour, I found some time since a cruel tide of invective turned 

 against me in the public papers, in consequence of my having put my 

 foot, a wet foot they say, into the tunnel which the Londoners, with- 

 out regard to my repose, were boring under my bed. Now, Sir, if 

 strangers will uncautiously grope under the beds of others, they may 

 chance to fall in with more than they look for, and this has been the 

 case in the present instance. A due regard to character has induced 

 me to address this circular to my friends, whose curiosity is probably 

 whetted on the subject ; and I trust, under the explanation I shall 

 offer, my conduct will on the whole be found perfectly justifiable. 



Now, Sir, I am a quiet fellow myself, rolling on peaceably and 

 quietly, in my own way, and there is no character I dislike more than 

 that of a bore; one of these bores very wantonly undertook to under- 

 mine my reputation ; in fact he hired 400 conspirators to perpetrate 

 his under-hand designs ; but, thank my stars, I have been a match for 

 him, and by the blessings of providence have been able to throw 

 cold water on his vile attempt. My natural end, Sir, as I am well 

 aware, will be by fire, whenever the clever fellow appears, endowed 

 with adequate powers to let me off like a squib. That such a man is 

 expected, is, I apprehend, quite clear, as I have heard repeated ex- 

 clamation, from Richmond and Blackwall parties, to the effect that 

 " he will never set the Thames on fire." To this fate, whenever it 

 comes, I must of course submit, and in that case trust that ia 

 quitting the world, I shall go out with that decency which is always 

 expected from old age and good character. 



Apropos, Sir, do you number among your acquaintance or contri- 

 butors any one competent to perform this extraordinary feat ? I have 

 a personal feeling on this subject; I spoke to a passenger, a gentleman 

 of your craft, whom I had on my back last week, who told me I had 

 not at present much to fear; he added, too, that with regard to the 

 New Monthly, he could answer for it, that the ladies and gentlemen 

 connected with that distinguished periodical were much too bene- 

 volent ever to attempt my life. Do not by this inquiry imagine that 

 I fear to die ; I know that I must at last disembogue myself into the 

 great sea of eternity. Moreover, such is my contempt of death, that 

 I even assist all the dyers from one end of my territory to the other, 

 to say nothing of my former exploits at " Old London Bridge," and 

 all the little boys and girls I swallow fishing, bathing, or making love 

 together. 



Shakspeare says that " there is a tide in the affairs of men, which 

 taken in its flood leads on to fortune ;" but, Sir, in the affairs of rivers, 

 to which branch of business I belong, there are two tides, and whe- 

 ther you take them at their flood or at their ebb, if you take them at 



M.M. No. J>9. <> F 



