56 War: its Uses. [JAN. 



Then, Sir, there would be no officers, no army ; we should all be 

 Jesuits ; we should get under the Pope and the Lord Chancellor ; the 

 parsons, and the doctors, and the lawyers, would rule us : we should do 

 nothing but pray, and take physic, and go to law. No, Sir, I do not 

 want to be governed by the Pope, and to have a millenium. And if 

 the Chancellor was to get the command, we should never have the day 

 of judgment at all ; for he would never be able to make up his mind 

 about it. 



Sir, I ask you as a candid man, and I will abide. We must have kings ! 

 that, I hope, Sir, you grant ; as I know you are not a radical. Would 

 you have a king to be a parson ? why that would be rank popery, to 

 begin. You would not have him a doctor, I am sure ; for he would 

 be soon shaving and blistering all his subjects. The prime minister 

 would be an apothecary, and the Chancellor a midwife ; and a pretty 

 midwife he would make, Sir, when he does not deliver a suit in a 

 century. 



No, Sir, a king must not be a parson, nor a doctor. Suppose him a 

 lawyer ! Why, Sir, he would levy twenty battalions of bumbailiffs and 

 sheriffs' officers ; there would be no men left out of prison in the country ! 

 Gallowses would grow up like poplars ; and I should like to know which 

 would be cheapest, a thousand suits of the uniform of the Guards, or a 

 thousand suits in equity. Why, Sir, the people would soon be stripped 

 stark naked. There would not be a suit of clothes in the country shortly ; 

 for we should be dressed up in in law suits, and trimmed with red tape. 



As to a king being the editor of a journal, even of your journal, Sir, 

 I suspect that the sale would soon fall off, and the worthy publisher 

 would look very blue. . Why then, Sir, a king must be a soldier : nothing 

 else can he or shall he be ; and therefore, Sir, OLD FIFTEEN must keep 

 on in the old way : he must keep up war, depend upon it. 



If it had not been for war, we should have had no saltpetre for our 

 hams. We should have no courage, which is of more consequence still. 

 We should soon turn into sheep, and the foxes would eat us up ; the 

 very rats would make their nests in us. It is war that makes the courage 

 of a man, as it makes his honour, and his generosity, and all his fine 

 sentiments and his humanity. 



War, Sir, war ! It is 'war that gives us our colonies : and it is our colo- 

 nies that give us tea, coffee, and rum-punch, and maintain the bulwark 

 of our island, our navy. 



War, Sir ! it was by war that OLD FIFTEEN propagated religion. 

 Did he not propagate Mahomet, and Flanders, and old Saxony, and 

 Paraguay ? Lord, Sir ! I should never end if I was to describe the 

 blessings of war, if it was only in this particular case. 



And how do you civilize nations and what would the world be without 

 civilization ? Have we not civilized America, and taught Paris a great 

 moral lesson ? And did not Old Rome civilize Britain, and all the world ? 

 The sword the sword, Sir, is the true engine of civilization. A ton of 

 gunpowder is worth ten tons of sermons, even though they should be Mr. 

 Irving's. The cannon-law (cannon with two n's, Mr. Corrector) is the 

 law of nations : it is law, gospel, civilization, moralization, commerce, 

 humanization, colonies, tea, sugar, rum, and every thing else. All good 

 is founded on war all benefits spring from it. OLD FIFTEEN under- 

 stands his trade better than Lady Mary thought for. 



Sir, I relieve you from more advantages, lest I should suffocate you. 



