War: Us Uses. 371 



not reach to the next ; and so on, " totics quoties?" 1 It is a much better 

 reason, when it reaches from the Baltic to the sea of Kamtschatka, because 

 it is not then big enough ; or, when your country is too cold, and you prefer 

 a hotter one ; or when it is too hot, and you wish to cool yourself. 



If you have not a ship in all your dominions, it is most proper to make 

 war for the possession of a sea-port. Very particularly this is necessary, if 

 you happen to live at the other side of the world, and want a port on this 

 side as, for instance, in the Mediterranean. There is a very especial 

 convenience in this contrivance ; because you might have no neighbours to 

 make war with at home, and are sure of getting abundance in your new 

 quarters. 



Nations ought always to make war on people that wear turbans and 

 beards ; on people that eat rice ; on all people that smoke a great deal, 

 and say, " Allah, Illah, Allah !" whether their beards are long or *hort 

 whether they shave their heads or their chins. 



When nations possess gold, it is, more especially than any tiling, proper 

 to make war on them, if it is possible to get at them ; and it may not be 

 very improper, when they possess any other thing that you are particularly 

 fond of such as cloves and cinnamon ; that is, whenever you can reach 

 them, by sea or land. 



Generally speaking, it is the best of all policy it is, indeed, most essen- 

 tially politic to declare war against a country, because it is strong. 

 Strength is dangerous, and it is your business to reduce it. If you do not, 

 the strong man may fall upon you, bind you, arid spoil your goods. But, if 

 the other nation is weak, then there is a better reason still for making war ; 

 because you may bind him, and spoil his goods which is all clear 

 gain. 



For the same reason, when there are two parties in a nation, squabbling 

 which fool out of two shall be set up and worshipped, encourage them 

 to tight and quarrel ; encourage them alternately : countenance first one, 

 and then the other ; and, by the time they have laid down to pant over the 

 bone, you jump on them, and gobble up the whole three nation, bone, 

 and all. 



There are a few other modes of promoting this divine science, directly 

 or indirectly; but, as the course of my education has been confined to the 

 practice, I am not exactly such a master of the theory as I ought to be. 

 Nevertheless 



When you have done with a war, either because you are tired, or that 

 the people are tired, or that you have no more men, or no more money, or 

 for any other reason why, you must make a peace, you know. In that 

 case, you always take care to have a flaw in the treaty an unintelligible 

 clause, or an article that may be taken in two senses matters, to which 

 the diplomatic gentlemen can help you at any time, if you should be at a 

 loss. Thus you can begin again whenever it is convenient that is, as 

 soon as you have money enough, or are tired of peace; or when officers 

 are wan ting promotion, or friends wanting jobs; or when the people begin 

 to be mutinous, arid talk about changing the government ; when tailors 

 and shoemakers begin to combine, for example ; orwhen they read too many 

 books, or dispute about education, or what not. It is just the same when 

 you make a commercial treaty, in which you take care to over-reach your 

 neighbour by which you kill two birds with one stone. Get some money 

 out of him first, and declare war against him afterwards ; or receive his 

 ucelarntion, which comes to the same thing. 



3 B 2 



