1827.] War: its Uses. 373 



case or if they really will put up with him it is likely enough that tho 

 new man will not do all that you ask him ; in which case, you have a 

 good excuse for threshing him and his people too. 



The boundary cause, which I noticed before, answers very well, under 

 modifications which I have not yet treated of. 



For example : two of your neighbours have no right to be pleased with 

 their own opinions about that matter. Desire them not to be pleased 

 shew them how they ought to be pleased. If they are unreasonable enough 

 to think for themselves, attack them both or one as it may be most 

 convenient. Or, order one to make a present to another of a river, or any 

 thing else ; and if he refuses, thresh him into it. 



Under this head, too, whenever you feel yourself particularly rich, or 

 proud, or insolent, or out of humour ; or when you have been reading 

 books (you know the books that you must read, as well as I do, Mr. 

 Editor) take a map and a pair of compasses, and a pair of scales and a 

 pair of scissors : cut the map into pieces toss the bits into the scales 

 and, having well noted the vacillations of the index, go to war. This 

 method is called the Balance- of -Power system. The varieties are, that, 

 instead of your doing this yourself, one, or two, or more, can join you ; 

 and this is called the Method of Alliances. 



The Method of Alliances is a peculiarly commendable one because 

 it is multiplicative, divergent, implicative, pre-post-retro- and intro-active, 

 unfailing, eternal, and infallible. Every man's insult thus becomes your 

 own : that is delightful. Three, four, five, or six can unite against one 

 because that one is rich, or proud, or poor, or convenient. And as it is 

 probable that you cannot all agree on these and other matters, the beauty 

 of it to come is, that you and your allies can all quarrel and go to 

 loggerheads in ones, twos, threes, or any other number, and in any way 

 that is most agreeable. 



These are complicated methods ; they require time, ingenuity, trouble. 

 There is an easier one. You get a tailor to make a flag it shall be white, 

 if you like that colour with a few bits of blue or red rag ; he tacks on 

 some letters to it (" Nee pluribus impar" will do as well as any thing 

 else), and puts a great, stupid, staring face upon it, copied from the sign 

 of the Sun, at the alehouse over the way. Another gentleman takes ano- 

 ther piece of cloth but his is blue. His tailor makes other letters, with 

 white rags; upon which you become raging mad fall to work, and burn 

 ships and towns march, besiege, countermarch, and make people wonder 

 " what is come over you." And when you are tired, you sit down again 

 under your sign of the Sun; and so does Joshua. 



But there is one reason and motive which it is quite disgraceful to me to 

 have forgotten so long seeing that it can never, by any possibility, be 

 wanting. This is the reason to which I formerly alluded " Because ;" the 

 Roman reason : plain, simple, unaffected " Because" vulgarly esteemed 

 the lady's reason or the reason without reason or the children's 

 reason, when they squall the reason of not knowing why. The 

 gentleman who lived under the sign of the Sun understood it well; and the 

 canaille, canards, and canaux were dammed or undammed accordingly. 

 This is, however, but a species under the generic causes in which kings 

 delight penny trumpets, gingerbread and rattles, or wanting " to have the 

 moon in my own hand." 



In the polite or civil method (I am sorry, Mr. Editor, that my logic is 

 not very well arranged), the following is an approved recipe : One fool 

 or rogue sticks a white rose in his button-hole ; another rogue or fool sticks 



