374 War : //* Uses. [ APRIL, 



a red one. Which is the greatest rogue, fool, or both, nobody cares ; but 

 which rose proves reddest, it becomes shortly difficult to say : and this is 

 good for a century or two. 



A very pretty little private war can be manufactured, in the polite or 

 civil method, by taking care to have the force all on one side ; because, in 

 this case, you can stop whenever you like. For example : Your people 

 need not believe in God unless they choose ; but they must not believe in 

 him the wrong way. And so on, for the various reasons I insinuated for- 

 merly and others, make war on them exterminate them. 



I thought that I had discovered the best of all the reasons, when I shewed 

 you how you could never want one, by following the example of the gen- 

 tleman under the sign of the Sun, " as above." " Oh, memory, thou 

 fond deceiver !" If a gentleman should write you a letter, and forget to put 

 three etceteras to your name, it is a justifiable cause of war. " And are 

 etceteras nothing ?" Indeed, my worthy Antient Pistol, they are a good 

 deal. There are, in most cases, a good many etceteras, besides the declared 

 one, for which nations amuse themselves in this manner. To go to war for 

 etceteras alone, and for even one single naked etcetera, I hold to be a 

 case deserving record. You will find it all, if you will look in the right 

 place. I am not jesting, good Mr. Editor. If you do not know where to 

 look, drop me aline as the people say and I will tell you. What, Sir! 

 do you expect me to give you an abridgment of the Universal History ? 



If people have no right to live who will not believe that bread is beef and 

 wine or who shave their heads, and cultivate their whiskers so are those 

 unfit to go on breathing who admire the sun and moonlove to sit down 

 round a large fire look at the ends of their noses till they see them burn 

 k m e carve great figure-heads, like those inhis Majesty's dock-yards, but, 

 instead of sticking them on their ships, put them up in their houses. This, 

 however, depends on circumstances. Some people may put up those 

 figure-heads in their houses : others must not. If you ask me the reason 

 why, " pon honour,'' Mr. Editor, I cannot tell you. 



Be that matter as it may, this is a valid, justifiable, laudable, praise- 

 worthy, noble, and glorious cause for war " etiam ad internee ionem" 

 (Ladies, this does not mean international) particularly if the figure-heads 

 have gold ear-rings or diamond eyes. 



It is a general rule, that you ought to make war upon all people that do 

 not choose to speak your language, which is the only one fit for a gentle- 

 man ; and, fo r similar reasons, on all people that sit cross-legged, which 

 is a base and tailorish method or on people who are so affectionate, that 

 they do what the poets only talk of viz. refuse to survive those whom 

 they loved or who, in any way, mode, or manner, differ from you in 

 customs as your customs can be the only right ones. Particularly, this 

 is necessary, when there is any thing to be gained by it ; otherwise, you 

 may pause, or wait till you do not know what to do with your spare money 

 and your spare people. 



Spare people, as I told you before, are always a good reason for war ; 

 partly because you do not know what to do with them, partly because they 

 are apt to get riotous; just as they do when they are too well off, or not 

 well ofFenough; for either condition answers. 



If the nations that deal in figure-heads are proper objects for war, so are 

 those which have no figure-heads which do riot know where they came 

 from, or whither they are going or which talk of Somebody that lives 

 beyond the Great Mountain. If they have no diamonds and gold, they 

 may have land, which does as well. Those are good subjects', because 



