1827.] H r fir: Us Uses. 375 



you can make war cheap, kill a good many men, and save your own 

 gunpowder. You can sell them gunpowder, for example, and then they 

 will kill each other, which saves trouble ; or bad guns, and then they 

 will kill themselves ; or make them a present of the small pox, or of 

 rurn a nd then you step in, kill the rest, and seize their lands. 



It is convenient to possess so many resources ; and it is out of my great 

 kindness for kings and people that I have laboured for three whole hours, 

 upon my honour, Mr. Editor to rake them up ; though I have missed the 

 half, as it is. 



But this you may depend on, Mr. Editor war is the only science : 



" To give a young gentleman right education, 

 The army's the only good school in the nation ;'' 



and so the more reasons we have for commencing it, always ready, the 

 better. 



The man who reads is always a doubtful character. Many a brave 

 officer has been spoiled by books. There shall be no book-men in my 

 regiment, if that happy time (when I have one) ever comes. The little I 

 do in this way is by stealth, under the rose. We get on, indeed, pretty 

 well in this matter no learning to be ashamed of. Only see, Sir ! There 

 was a dispute, the other day, between Captain Jories-andone of our young 

 cornets, about S. P. Q. R. Bets ran high ; a good many dozens were staked 

 on both sides ; and they were obliged to call upon me to settle it. Not 

 one of them, Sir, knew that it meant, " Si peu que rien /" These are fel- 

 lows, Sir, that will never flinch before a bayonet. 



I really must give in, however for it is getting late. But, Lord bless 

 you, Mr. Editor ! I have not half done yet though I will bave mercy on 

 you. But are not all these good and valid reasons for going to war ? 

 Old Fifteen has many more reasons than Young Fifteen, whatever Lady 

 Mary may think ; and he shews his sense in keeping a good stock. 



" And they do not know what they have gained when it is over," says 

 her Ladyship. Indeed ! they know that pretty well. Honour and glory, 

 to be sure is not that something ? And have not I got a premium for 

 a musket-ball through my elbow ? and half-pay, besides ? though I can- 

 not say much for that. Arid have they not got more colonies than they 

 can manage or defend ? and more debts than they can pay ? and more 

 men to discharge than they know what to do with ? and statues and 

 monuments ? and Peace ? Have not they got Peace, Mr. Editor ? 

 Beautiful, olive-branched, white-robed, cornucopiad Peace and Plenty ! 

 Quartern loaves, like blackberries, on every hedge ditches overflowing 

 with porter and ale ! 



And plenty of grumbling, too, I can tell you. And this is the reason 

 why they want war again, I tell you, Mr. Editor, it is the natural, 

 proper, just, and necessary state of man. Old Fifteen is a cleverer fellow 

 than they take him for. It will be time, indeed, for him to die when he 

 comes to fourscore ; there will be nothing left for him to do nothing 

 wise and rational, at least. The Millenium may come as soon as it likes, 

 when that day arrives : I shall be reduced, for one, that is certain. There 

 will be no living in the world, Sir ; it will no longer be the place for 

 a gentleman and a man of honour. Adieu to the Eleventh Dragoons ! 

 Nature will expire ; the stars will burn blue, I am sure ; the moon will 

 be eclipsed ; comets' tails will grow a mile long ; peace and the devil 

 will shake hands ; and we shall have nothing to do but to lounge about 

 in amaranthine bowers which, I take it, is very dull work. I hate 

 country quarters. Ever your's, H. I. 



