1827.] The Praises of Tobacco. 583 



Hayley wrote a poem on the triumphs of " Temper :" the triumphs of 

 "Tobacco" would be a much better subject. 1 wonder no poet has 

 attempted it: I suppose because no one found himself equal to the task. 

 Phillips, the immortal bard of the " Splendid Shilling," seems to be the 

 only poetical eulogiser of the Indian herb, of which he was a devoted 

 admirer. 



Suppose I sketch an outline for a poem on this sublime subject, leaving 

 it to any one who can to fill it up. In the first place, let us begin with the 

 " celestial machines," as Pope obligingly calls the gods, in his preface to 

 the Iliad (for all things are full of Jove). Jupiter, viewing with compas- 

 sion the miserable state of the lower classes all over the world, determines 

 to effect something for their alleviation. Accordingly, he summons his 

 heavenly conclave, and addresses them in a very neat and appropriate 

 speech, commanding their assistance in the very important matter about to 

 be debated, and requesting every deity to give his or her opinion of what 

 means will most effectually promote his charitable purpose. Old Plutus 

 first rises, and proposes to enrich and delight the commonalty by a " Guide 

 to Wealth," in the shape of " Poor Richard's Almanack." This is opposed 

 by Pallas, who observes that wealth is but a very secondary consideration in 

 regard to happiness, and that wisdom is the principal thing. She accord- 

 ingly submits, that the poor should be enlightened and rendered happy 

 by means of mechanics' institutions and societies for the education of the 

 poor. 



Let Venus ordain Valentine's Day to come once a month. Bacchus 

 wishes to build wine-vaults and erect breweries all over the world, and 

 make the people drunk for nothing. Esculapius proposes to augment the 

 sum of worldly happiness, by teaching the poor to physic themselves ; and, 

 accordingly, produces " Buchan's Domestic Medicine " from under his 

 cloak, of which he says a very large edition is ready for the press. He 

 also takes the opportunity to observe, that he has expatiated very largely 

 under the heads <( colic" and " pain in the bowels," which two disorders 

 he expected would become very prevalent, now Bacchus's sour drink 

 would be as plentiful as dirty water. Apollo wished to make folks merry 

 by music and dancing, and by distributing Pan's pipes and tambourines 

 into all countries. Ceres produces plans for erecting cottages and gardens, 

 declaring it was of the most vital importance, in regard to the happiness of 

 mankind, that each person should grow his own cabbage, potatoes, and 

 onions ; whilst Death's gloomy King thinks the most certain way of ren- 

 dering men happy would be by destroying them altogether, and so putting 

 an end to their misery. Let the subject be debated pro and con, until the 

 vaults of heaven resound to the voices of all talkers and no hearers. Then 

 let Jupiter close the discussion by throwing down his sceptre^and summing 

 up the various speeches in this style. He observes, if he assents to the 

 proposal of Plutus, the people would become too rich to be happy; if to 

 that of Pallas, too wise; if to that of Venus, too idle. With respect to the 

 proposal of Bacchus, it did not claim one minute's attention ; and by 

 obliging Esculapius, he should ruin all the doctors, which he was unwil- 

 ling to do. If Apollo's scheme prevailed, all the birds would be frightened 

 away ; and shoes, which were high enough before, become extravagantly 

 dear. With regard to the plans of comely Ceres, they would make a 

 world of beggars. [Here the king of gods alludes to Ireland.] He also as- 

 sures him of the winding-sheet, that, although he considered his as much the 



