1830.] The Club Room. 29 



in the whole course of my life. You might as well expect our friend 

 Oldbuck to be on as good terms with his handsome countess, as with a 

 brick from the ruins of Babel, or a Venus without a nose ; our friend 

 Culverin to know the difference between a colony and a corporal's 

 guard ; or our champagne-loving friend Mummy, to think of anything 

 but his profits, his bottle, and his unprovided progeny. But I pledge 

 (a general laugh}. 



All confusedly. Spoke twice spoke twice. Hang it, no pledges 

 here ; you know you're among friends. 



Lancer. You will awake the Chair, and then you dare not call your 

 souls your own two minutes together. But begin ; we must have 

 something to tell him about when he opens his eyes. Hark, he speaks. 

 Silence. 



The Chairman (disturbed in his dream, strikes alternately his fore- 

 head and the table, and seems feeling for a sword). There there. 

 Nothing short of fifty thousand men ! Addresses from the city. Non- 

 sense. Magna Charta ! Ay, old Noll had a rhyme for that the most 

 capital one in the language. The papist members, as staunch as any 

 slaves from Scilly to Siberia. Charge 



Oldbuck. Ay 



" Charge! Chester,^ charge ! 

 On ! Stanley, on !" 



I think that somebody ought to awake Marmion. 



Pillage. But, who will venture the experiment? Saints defend 

 me from touching the whiskers of the mighty. George, you are a 

 soldier, and have been in the secret so long, that 



Culverin. Egad, I don't like to bell the cat a whit the more for 

 having felt its claws before now. But, as " we may hear more 

 than we ought to hear," as Lady Macbeth's doctor says, I had better 

 try a dose of the true cephalic, puffery, (gradually raising his voice). 

 Gentlemen I propose the health of the most extraordinary combination 

 of talents and virtues that ever lived, (aside.) I propose the health 

 of the Chair. 



All. Bravo ! Hear, hear ! Bumpers, gentlemen ! Nine times nine. 



The Chairman (starting up). Why, what the deuce ! are you all 

 mad ? Yet, gentlemen, whether with the business of to-day, or the wine, 

 or witchcraft, I have been dreaming of all sorts of put of the way 

 affairs crowns, cabinets, and criminals have been dancing before my 

 eyes for the last half hour. And the drama concluded with a. finale, that 

 makes every nerve in my body shake with the recollection. But 

 " Richard's himself again." It was but a dream ; and right glad am I 

 to find .myself at this table. But you shall hear. I was riding 



Culverin. With submission, may I hope that you will not give yourself 

 the pain of recapitulating. The thoughts which could disturb your 

 mind, must bring agonies into those of your friends. Look round the 

 table ; you see Mummy's nose has already lost the hue enamelled on it 

 by so many years of bumpers ; Oldbuck looks as yellow as the crocodile 

 in his own chamber ; Ringlet's favourite locks have fallen out of curl 

 with the distillation from his brow ; Lancer dreads to lift his eyes from 

 the dearly beloved triple lace of his own regulation cuffs ; Pillage and 

 Jonathan Wild are trying to remember a prayer ; Rat is fainting ; and 

 Flourish actually holds his tongue. 



